anatomy of a walk
I think, now more than ever, i'm feeling excited.
This past week was just kinda bum-ish. Was stuck in a Daphne Loves Derby sort of phase (as seen by the recently listened to songs). It felt like I was going through the motions for so many things - prayer meeting, senior night, even today at church. On Friday, I was at the DuPage County Jail in Wheaton for a tour. On the drive home, I must've been really tired, because I think i fell asleep about 3-4 times... and couldn't remember anything after passing Danada Square. It's a weird, disconcerting, and altogether strange feeling to arrive home and have no idea how you got there... such was this past week.
Today, after feeling the urge to just get out of the house, went for a jog/walk around the neighborhood.
. I passed by the mini-park preserve where we built a fort when I was 10. Some of the broken pieces of wood are still there.
. Felt apprehensive whenever I felt cars behind me on the sidewalk-less streets past my subdivision. Realized we can either run away from something (I'm awfully good at that, aren't I?) or run towards something. Was reminded of Paul's calling for us to press forward.
. Ran past a father goose who was overprotective of his youth. Was quacked at by said goose. Thought about that family, and how overprotective we can be sometimes of friends, brothers and sisters, and others.
. Saw someone strange getting the mail out of your mailbox. Then remembered, you don't live there anymore. The last time I was at your house was a few weeks after your accident. You still didn't remember us. Wondered how you were going a few thousand miles away from your home church, how things would've been different if you stayed and was here for Senior Night... prayed for you.
. Saw you playing basketball with your little sister. Remembered when you were a Junior and I was just a freshman, walking home, talking about school, the future, your future, and life in general. Smiled.
And came home feeling strangely excited and strangely hopeful.
Maybe this is a new beginnings of sorts? You talked about broken promises today - I've broken aplenty in my past, as so wonderfully illustrated by her retelling of X and I's devious-ness (hehe).
Maybe this is me getting over the things your broken promises.
Anyway. Cheers to a new start..
i'm tired of arguing with you
I had this thought today while staring at the fax from the realtors in San Diego that I really missed California.
Then I thought about how I really missed Ithaca.
Then I thought... maybe I just miss anywhere that's not here.
I'm torn between wanting to get out of here as fast as I can, in between reading what is needed for orientation and such, to patiently waiting through the summer. But maybe I'm idealizing Itaca. To a place where there is much much much less drama. Where things can be started new and I'm not
Man, I can't wait to get out of here. I'm half tempted to tell my mom I don't want to come home for Thanksgiving. That I really don't want to come back to
The line that kept repeating itself through my head last night while drifting in and out of sleep..
we'll never get this right
i'm sorry i
i was a fool
to have hope
open and close
She fingered the worn down edges of the 100-page sketchbook, closing its savored pages one last time. Sighing one last time as a tribute to her closed journal, she turned around the Mystery Paperbacks as she made way for the cash register.
And it was him, standing next to that ridiculous life-size poster of Dan Brown. "Oh... I didn't expect to see you here." She shifted uncomfortably, staring at the dropped, open sketchbook now at her feet.
"... I'm sorry. Here, let me help you.." Bending down, the messy black scrawls started to form sentences on the off-white sheets. The left side of the open pages was completely blank except for a few words: June 21st... =)
He bit his lip before speaking. "You remembered.
"Oh." She bent down, careful not to be too close to him, her eyes darting down at the open page. Those two words bringing back a flood of memories and emotions pierced air-conditioned air of Barnes and Nobles.
"I'm starting a new journal now," she felt the need to tell him, placing the leatherbound black journal on top of the now closed fading green one.
He slowly shook his head. "No..."
"Our pages are never closed."
So go past the lights and all the excuses
You could have left "sincerely yours"
Don't you think it's obvious that I want to say more?
Cause anything too daring to say to you,
Will be said in this letter, then burned away
So you never realize, I'm here
In physics lately, we've been watching this movie that searches for a Theory of Everything. That is, a couple of scientists trying to come up with one equation, one theory, that's able to explain the major four forces in the universe: Gravitation, Electricity&Magnetism, Strong Nuclear, and Weak Nuclear. Einstein spent the better part of his life trying to do so, leaving his work incomplete. But they're getting close.
String Theory. and what this says is that inside every piece of matter, inside every atom, every electron/neutron/proton, every quark, lies millions of little strings of energy. And much like the strings on a violin or cello or guitar, they vibrate at the exact frequency at which whatever its made of should vibrates.... aka the strings of an electron vibrates at a different frequency as a proton.
And so the entire universe is filled with music. That it's the symphony of the galaxy within these little strings, vibrating to complement each other in the most beautiful way that makes this one miniscule object. It's like a symphony orchestra, except with a google times more strings. Yet they all come together....
Maybe this is what David keeps referring to in Psalms. As a director of Music, could this be part of Your hand directing an orchestra far greater than we can imagine..?
Wow. Your creation is beautiful =)
click to make bigger. it's my desktop right now =)
I wonder how angry my parents would get if I told them I wanted to switch to Aeronautical Engineering..
Anyway... this week's the last full week of school. Went to a math banquet yesterday and got a lovely bust of Gauss (my mom thinks he's ugly). Almost done with the Power and the Glory, about 1/3 done with Mr. Feynman, and I should really start Stephen Hawking's Quest for a Theory of Everything.
but as for now, i just want to run outside the moment the sun starts sinks from the sky and listen to this song and gaze into Your creation, embraced by the symphony and comfort of Your stars.
goal #1 for the summer - eventually learn how to play this =)
when you close your eyes, you can almost see the..
make, take, break
Still falls the Rain---Still falls the Blood from the Starved Man's wounded Side:
He bears in His Heart all wounds,---those of the light that died,
The last faint spark
In the self-murdered heart, the wounds of the sad uncomprehending dark,
The wounds of the baited bear---
The blind and weeping bear whom the keepers beat
On his helpless flesh... the tears of the hunted hare.
Still falls the Rain---
Then--- O Ile leape up to my God: who pulles me doune---
See, see where Christ's blood streames in the firmament:
It flows from the Brow we nailed upon the tree
Deep to the dying, to the thirsting heart
That holds the fires of the world,---dark-smirched with pain
As Caesar's laurel crown.
Then sounds the voice of One who like the heart of man
Was once a child who among beasts has lain---
"Still do I love, still shed my innocent light, my Blood, for thee."
- Still Falls the Rain
even when my own pettiness sinks... You're faithful to remind.
I will stand at my watch and station myself on the ramparts; I will look to see what he will say to me, and what answer I am to give to this complaint. - Habakkuk 2:1
he waits patiently.
in another journal that i post in, something i wrote was, "i'm ready to leave." then you commented and asked... we're ready to leave... are we ready to let go?
and after spending the past 24 hours at hshs, either running around the track listening to michelangelo, playing (almost tackle) football in the dark (our team won =]), drinking caribou coffee at 2 am, playing big booty, watching numerous bands (including OF in concert), sleeping in the rain while watching it drizzle onto our sleeping bags, running around throwing grass at each other, dancing to maroon 5, or finally falling asleep at 3 am, with limbs flailing in a tent made for 5, or... something else.
and that something else was something .. i guess that can be considered as small, but slapped me in the face with a realization that perhaps i didn't want to realize...
(don't you love how vague that was?)
and i realized... sometime between watching the symphony of a piano, bass, and drums, (in a most clever array) and when the first drop of rain fell on my now-swollen right hand, that i can let these go.
other things, i leave behind.
maybe because it's easier to do so.
maybe because it's too hard to let go of them.
maybe because... deep down, i don't want to let go of them.
i don't know..
i need to use some logic.
i'm waiting for a decision to be made. for a place still between the extremes.
but until then, i'm making this assumption.
that you're not worried.
that you're different now.
and that i'd be stupid to think otherwise.
I'm still waiting for you to say you hate me now
So I don't have to hold on to this burning heart
- Daphne Loves Derby, Midnight Highway
the sky looks gray sometimes... until it turns a piercing shade of blue without any inclination that the clouds have moved...
i noticed driving home from prayer meeting on wednesday how many power lines were on 63rd street. there are many... hidden amongst the branches of the many, leafy trees hugging the pavement. except at night, they look like they're suffocating them.
how does one measure worth?
i had a doctor's appt today and had to get a shot. it still stings and bit and i think i'm feeling the aftereffects now.
it's strange how people change. after years, months... even weeks. completely different. i guess that's how it goes. i can deal.
.... do not merely listen to the Word... do what it says.
hmm and i have a headache now so i think i'll go to sleep and prepare for the 24-hour relay challenge tomorrow...
the morning after
and the night before seems so distant. a fading memory tucked into the dusty corners of our hearts, stored away for the next conflict.
but it doesn't work like that, does it? the holes can be draped over with patches of nice words and jokes and smiles, but it's still there.. isnt it?
and maybe it's during the darkest of nights when all masks finally come off that there was finally truth.
and now, all there exists is...
it's a good thing You're here... huh? =/
it covers me.. it covers me...
high of 75
all in all the enviornment was... so informal. i was expecting some veronica-mars-like procedures, but turns out in between cases, the police officers and judges and clerks all joke around and laugh o_o it was all very strange, but in a good way.
since the last case was moved, i had some time to kill before heading home, so wandered around downtown wheaton. finally found out where danada was, and realized that wheaton has a lot of trees... and these really cool vintage streetlights. what a quaint little town =)
drove back with music blasting in high-70s weather, with the dreading thought that tomorrow.. i'll have to go back to high school ><
i'm thinking about expiration dates. this morning, while looking for enamel coated wire for assembling a motor, i found a barnabas bag from two years ago. and i sat, reading all the notes, and ....
realized that now, more than ever, i'm twitching to move on. maybe i'm not ready yet... but i want to go where You're leading.
college come sooner -_-
where You are... is where i want to be
in Your arms, You will comfort me
far away from everything i used to be
You know i have come this far...
to be where You are.
may angels lead you in
it's amazing what you can find sifting through old folders on your computer. this time, i found this... i wonder when i write these. i should date them next time.
"Well, I guess I'll go now. You're okay, right?"
She nodded slowly, overwhelmed still by the sincerity in their conversation. "Right..."
He sighed and slouched back down into the position he had been in for the past hour. "No, you're not... are you still mad?"
She fiddled around with her silver WWJD bracelet, then looked up. "You know I'm not mad anymore."
"... then what?"
"..Are you mad at me?"
It was the same rehearsed answer. "No."
He rubbed his eyes with his hands and sighed, shaking his head. "I'm sorry.... I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry that I started to swear.... that I yelled, that I lost my temper, I shouldn't have. I'm sorry I ran away and left things they way they were.... I'm so sorry I hurt you."
She unconsciously rocked back and forth in her seat. With the last bit of courage she could muster, she slowly lifted her eyes to match his. "I'm not mad because of those words.. or the arguments... it's just.. because you left."
I've had APs for the past two weeks. Calc BC, Eng. Lit, Span. Lang, Psych, and Physics C. But now that they're over... I'm quite the happy senior =) (Also having discovered a new fav. drink at Starbucks - Mint Java Chip Fraps!!)
... this is trying to study for calc.
School's a lot more low-key now. Wandering the halls, reading Wuthering Heights, The Power and the Glory, Stephen Hawkin's Theory for Everything, and Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman! in the next three weeks.
.... this is school.
Watched a few hours of badminton today in the stuffy gyms of DGN.
... this is state.
Had my first official meeting with Mr. A, Attorney at Law today. Was slightly intimidated as I saw through a meeting with him and his first client, as so eloquently expressed with.. "That was so weird!" Going to court at the Courthouse in Wheaton all Tuesday morning to follow him through his cases, then sitting in during a trial that afternoon.
I never wanted to go into full-fledged law because I was so scared of having to represent the "bad guys." What would I do if I had to argue the case for someone I knew was guilty?
As Mr. A told me right before the meeting with the first client ... "Get ready to meet your first criminal!" but then more seriously....
"These people you meet... they aren't bad. They've made mistakes. They've done through struggles and have been punished. The world isn't always black and white... but what I do, is try to give them a break."
.... this is mercy.
A fluster of things to do and such before church, finally resulting in a couple of weary, worn out people collapsing in each others prayers and arms shortly after the church doors were unlocked. Was amazingly humbled by a few brothers and sisters... letting down our guards and lifting each other up during a week that.... _____. But You know our pains, Dad.
And the warmest encouragement of the night -- After I heard you pray... wow. I never knew you were such a godly woman.
.. thanks bro =)
... this is Family.
(aka Herbert's two cousins, and Hawaiian style Teriyaki sauce.)
tonight was so hard.but a night where things were let go. we came in stumbling and grasping for some degree of certainty in our lives, and found it to be nowhere, in noone but You. worship running freely from our hearts, pushing aside all the things holding us down... making us free in You and You alone.
... this is grace. this is love. this is our GOD
this is who You are.
a father to the orphan
a healer to the broken
this is our God
and he brings peace to our madness
and comfort in our sadness
this is the one we have waited for.
would you believe me if i said.. you don't need the answers before
you step out in faith
all by myself?
only one from my school?
summer session? june 23rd?
... i don't know =/
i can hear it
The rain outside stained the pavement with a deep, brown color that seemed to affect all except for his chorus of notes. They didn't know why he played through the rain, the same resonation of keys that would stir the souls of anyone who would be listening. But he didn't play for them.
He would always look up, at the door, waiting for her. He played for her eyes that would dance with excitement everytime his hands touched the piano. He played for the warming of heart whenever he played their song, the same song he played now. He played, in hopes, no matter how small, that their sound would lead her heart back home to his. And with that hope held in his hands, he played.
He played until the night would haunt him no more, until the cold of the rain seeped into the crevices of his heart that would water even the smallest seeds of doubt. He finally looked down at his hands, closed his eyes, and stopped playing. The wind whispered.. she's not coming.
A silence filled the night air that was soon replaced with a steady drip-drop of rain. It was her, standing inside, her soul soaked with the outpour of rain.
It was so beautiful...I didn't want to interrupt your playing...
And she smiled.....because she knew that he'd always be playing.. even through the rain.
i loved the music video. not for this song, but for Taylor... where Ben Stiller was 'directing' the video, on the sandy shores of an unnamed beach (found here).
i'm taking ap physics in about five hours... yet i'm not worried still.
i can hear Your rain
was looking through old photographs from times when shendy was small and not so shady... (alliteration?) and realized how longitudinal people, things have an impact.
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
like a, shoebox of photographs
with sepiatone loving
and it's not really the big, life-changing moments. it's the soothing comfort of knowing that you've known people for more than half of your life. that when you were 6, you proudly rode your bike with your cousin (who's probably now designing new, superelectric bikes at MIT o_O) after all the kids on your block helped you learn how to ride without training wheels.... but you still ended up falling down and skinning your knee.
or weekends where the near-perfect combination of starbucks coffee is shared with friends, not sitting by itself, hot, undrinken.
or moments of indecision standing before an array of raisins, craisins (crazy raisins!) and other sunburnt fruits.
or taking a time-out from life and sitting on a back of a slightly dusty car, watching, waiting in expectancy, as the songs changed from KG to singing of Your wonders and watching slowly as the stars and His glory are slowly revealed....
though it could take some time, 'til i let you go, 'til i lose this feeling
like a book with no words on the pages, i'm all out of language, i've nothing to say
and i wonder where you are..
tonight if i saw you again
i would look in the deepest part of your blue eyes
and if only i could find..
or maybe it's the final realization that these frayed puzzle pieces still somehow fit together... that i used to take piano with so many people that now are joined by a Love greater than one for the ivories.
and half a tank of gas, one bacci's pizza, one trip to petco, about 120937 barnes and nobles visits, 127 pages in the physics princeton review, a swirl around naperville riverwalk, 15 missed calls during a weekend inbetween the "deciders" of a future.... it ended with a frightfully real and exciting dream about cornell last night. and i'm finally feeling more excited than i've ever been to see the future unfold =)
it's always better when we're together.. we'll look at the stars together.
edit: what a weird dream....
maybe it won't fit
The Keys to Your Heart
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.
You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.
just wanna be with You
this song has been stuck in my head all week. i think it's one of those songs when i start lingering between pages 214 and 215 of whichever princeton review book i've "borrowed" from barnes. oh, and along with the lime and coconut song (i saw the commercial again today while looking for the cubs game on tv!)
maybe a diet of starbucks coffee, dippin' dots (so good!!), and ramen has temporarily halted my ability to think logically. im wondering why some people act the way they do, why certain things happen the way they do, why certain foods just go together and others don't.
and suddenly all the words come rushing back and i think i finally get it.
and i am quite tired, so maybe i will go to sleep soon and forget about trying to memorize more schemes and tropes...
i wanted to be silent. this entire week felt like a little kid trying to get back on a bicycle after falling off for the first time and skinning her knee, trying to force myself to speak, be honest, be open . . and having it backfire miserably. after words pierce through the little hole of vulnerablity offered with shaking hands. after hearing that phrase i hate hearing so much... "that's just how it is." after feeling like i've fallen flat on my face time after time....
then tonight, when i fell asleep right before prom, i dreamt. i was attending what i assumed to be another church, another camp, but at the same place as the ccmc camps. the camp i was attending was downstairs. and at first it was quite similar... icebreakers, a speaker who gave a message, and then small groups and prayer.
except.. during prayer, i couldn't pray. i tried to open my mouth to pray, but nothing came out. my insides were burning with a passion to speak out praises and thanks and releasing things that have been burdening my heart... except they couldn't come out.
then i heard you guys upstairs. the music team warming up, the joyous chatter right before a message, the sounds and voices that had grown so familiar in my ears. i yearned to join you guys, to escape from this camp that now felt so fake, so desolute of any real meaning.
except... i couldn't stand. i was chained to the ground by my own silence. i looked around and realized i was stuck, with people who i realized were only praising on the outside.
i felt my insides well up with a sadness i didn't know was humanly possible - it felt like the holy spirit grieving for a loss i had yet to realize. i started sobbing... and as the tears and grief consumed me, i woke up. with ezra 3 echoing in my head.
13 No one could distinguish the sound of the shouts of joy from the sound of weeping, because the people made so much noise. And the sound was heard far away. - Ezra 3:13
... birth in me a hope to hold on, Dad. my insides are bursting and i'm realizing more and more that i can't run from the joyous noise that you've instilled in me...