letters to you
every 6 or so months at ccmc, starting in 2002 (as i can remember), we write letters to our future self. to date, i've written 5 letters. and for the first two years, i used to put my old letters in with my new one so i could get a broader spectrum of where i was spiritually.
then i got my letter back a few weeks ago from spring 05.
"no past letters included. you're FREED from the past.
(skip some stuff)
... read your old journal entries. check up on old friends. see what God's brought you through... His love, His expanse, His grace... is all very real. You'll be radically changed, wendy. i'm looking forward to it."
and it's weird how God knows what we need when we need it. it's all part of some seemingly entropic plan that we find ourselves in for the better.
this morning, i was listening to a sermon on ps115 and while i was writing something down, my pen ran out of ink. so i paused the sermon, and looked all over my room for another working pen. then.. i found a jumble of old letters, ones i wrote to myself in the past years.
"wendy... you need to accept that things won't always be perfect. just worship. stop focusing on the miniscule things in life."
"..look around the yg. are they the same? no? good :)"
"there's a King on a throne. get off it, and let the King sit."
"when you look at colleges, PRAY. don't go somewhere just 'cause your friends are going." --> definitely didn't do that, haha.
"you better NOT be dating!!! .V. if you are... hehe just kidding. but BE CAREFUL!!!!"
"read james 4 in case you get in future arguments." -- haha i need to do this too :P
and that's just from one letter, middle of junior year. i was a strange kid back then. and these past few days, it's been strangely reminscent to look through old letters, memories, photos, reminders of people i need to be remembering and praying for. but it's been good to look back, pause, reflect. see what God has really been doing.. how He's been moving.
thank You for not giving up on me, God. even though i gave up my junior year... thank You for being a God of redemption. and my story of redemption lies.. right here.
i think i've come to appreciate forward-ness this past semester. maybe it's because, i often lack it .-. or maybe because i'm scared of it. but nonetheless, people who have been forward enough to ask, prod, and hold accountable.
recently a few brothers have been very forward about asking how my spiritual life is. one who was in my small group, and two whom i've been planning freshmen prayer meetings with. it's certainly caught me off guard, heh, when all of a sudden bursts out a... "soo how have you been doing on your walk with God?" but it's been good. it's times like those when answers are a little less rehearsed, and a little more heartfelt. and if we're traveling together... that's what we need to be, right? a little less rehearsed..... :)
i have this sudden urge to go to california. and roam the outdoor shops on the boardwalk. and fly a kite, and skate down the sidewalks, and be near the ocean, and eat food that probably isn't good for us.
i wonder if it'd be different if i went to ucla.
so last night, i dreamt that service was somewhere in chicago. so during breakfast, i called you to ask if you could pick me up, since my house was on the way. except you sounded different, and made an excuse about my house being out of the way and hung up. james was there at breakfast, and thought that was weird also. logically, my explanation was that someone kidnapped you, picked up your phone, and pretended to be you. i texted you twice, and you didn't respond either time. so logically, your kidnapper killed you, which prevented you from responding on your phone.
so i was getting more worried, and the breakfast place only served $60 pizzas. so i thought it was too expensive, and went to a less expensive pizza place to get food. somewhere along the way, some older brothers and sisters showed up, all seeing how worried i was about your death. when they asked what was wrong, i told them i was worried about you because you didn't respond, and i said i thought about calling you -- they were all quite supportive. so i called you, and to my utmost relief you picked up (quite alive). and you asked me what was wrong, and i said i'd tell you later. i asked you for a ride, and you said you'd be here soon, and hung up.
later, at the cheaper pizza breakfast place, you called again. you said you'd be there soon to get me.. and you asked me why i ignored you when everyone else was around. i said i'd tell you later when you came... then you asked why it was so hard for me to honest with you with everyone else around. your voice was cracking, and it sounded like you were struggling to get the words out without crying....
"why were you ignoring me..?" echoed
i woke up.
why is it so hard to be honest? i'm not quite sure.....
but hey, it's just a dream.. right?
sitting, waiting, wishing
i wish i kept in touch with you better.
i wish i called you more when i had the chance.
i wish i worried about you more.
i wish i worried about you less.
sometimes, i wish i understood things better. sometimes i wish i understood the role of people in my life, what they're doing there, instead of just stirring up ruckus or causing confusion or just.. being. this past semester has been.. literally, one of the most humbling :/ to echo an brother who just sent out a winter missions letter... "i just want people to know how messed up i am. and how all of this... its for God, and not for myself."
so, a minor revamp of a journey yet unseen. i'm finding myself learning that i don't have all the answers, colorful jargon won't save me in situations, and... sigh, yeah. and maybe i'm find myself wishing less, and trusting more.
where you can almost feel the anger brewing
your blood pumping
your fingers twitching
to throw something
and all you want to do
maybe i shouldnt go to winter camp.
iceebear14: go to sleep
what both enochs say in their first IMs. haha... maybe some things don't change :P