random thoughts --

there's often something about home i miss. i'm not sure what it is -- maybe the feeling of driving down familiar streets. the feeling of driving. familiar roads, faces, coffee places..

i wish i could be home just to have coffee with you when you're down.

there are days when i feel like i'm about to physically fall apart and break in half. today was one of those days.

there's so much of me i still hide from you. sometimes i don't think you know how much i appreciate your patience.

sometimes i don't sleep because i'm scared of what i'll end up dreaming.

second semester senior year, i went to the barnes on 75th street at least once a week just to be. i miss those times.

this semester has been a whirlwind of thoughts and events and people and places and sometimes i wish i could just...

please take away my life, when i don't have the strength
to give it away to You..


i think i've been as ... __ as i've been lately because i've stopped being angry. angry at how things are, angry with wanting things to be better, by not settling, by being okay with half baked ideas and ministries.


i've never swam the deepest ocean
but i've walked upon the raging sea...


when did it even happen? the lies i started to believe... this is how things are. you can't change it. your God can't change it. it's harder feeling victorious on this side of heaven. it's harder feeling like sin is defeated when it still wages war with your soul on a daily basis.


nothing compares to the greatness of knowing You, Lord...


things aren't the way they're supposed to be.
how foolish am i.



when i climb down the mountain, and get back to my life
i won't settle for ordinary things...

you know what one of the best feelings in the world is? opening up a new tube of toothpaste and squeezing that first perfectly symmetrical, cylinder of paste onto your delightfully pink toothbrush.










.. the feeling that we have a Daddy who loves us for exactly who we are is pretty nice too =)

"sometimes i'm just so sick of it all, y'know?"

"i can't even imagine what the must look like.. feel like. no more sorrow, no more pain, no more death... just jesus. we would never hear the words wake, or casket, or funeral again. those things simply just wouldn't make sense to us.... no more sorrow, pain, or death....."

"yeah... i know."

"sometimes i can't wait for heaven."

"don't say that just too soon... we have a long way to go."


// a convo with a sister from va.

i'd rather run the other way than to stay and see the smoke and who's still standing when it clears...


tomorrow will be better. . .
(i hope).

"So w... how are you feeling now that Easter's over?"

".... it's not really over, is it?"


//



while rereading some blog posts from this time last year... and this time two years ago... a part of me is somewhat amazed by how open/specific/intentional i was. a part of me wonders if i've really grown since then. a part of me wonders if i ever thought i'd be where i am now back then...




today is easter.
and,
as i'm reminded by pastor bob's sermon today
our God is a God of second chances
(or third, or fourth, or many, many more).

and He is the peace that calms our fears.



i fear ... ______.
but peace is strength in the midst of that.



Truly, truly, I say to you, you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn into joy. When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.

// john 16