warm and fuzzy
I just got an email from someone I haven't heard from/talked to in many many months....
and it's such a good feeling =)
I can't do anything about it....
I can't do anything about it........
and off we go
Tomorrow is Winter Camp.
He is good. He has great things planned. He will heal..... now... I just have to believe.
You lead me as I go
cry out for FREEDOM
Once again... another song I hold dear to my heart. Look (http://caedmonscall.net/songs/2g/track12.php) for the lyrics and explanation. They say it better than I ever could.
Just one more day until Winter Camp... finally! This week has been incredibly long. Last night I sat down and did the majority of my wrapping/card writing though. It honestly doesn't feel like Christmas yet... one of the many reasons why I could never leave the Midwest - no more white Christmases.
So I dropped off Don Meyer's thank you card and gift this morning for writing one of my recommendations. I was in his Spanish 4 Honors class... and first quarter, that class frustrated me so much. I was used to just treating spanish as a blow-off class and getting at least a high B.... but he didn't let me do that. After getting a 87 on a test, (88 is the lowest B), I finally went to him and said I couldn't handle it... and I asked my older, wiser, AP-taking friend to help me. I did much much better second quarter, and managed to get a high B that semester, then an A next semester.
And so when he asked me what college I wanted to go to, and I said I didn't know (see prior post) he said... I'll pray for you. Have a blessed Christmas.
At this point... I was like... WOW. Did you really just say that to me?? Last year we discussed a LOT of theology, but as the whole school/religion thing works out, it's hard for a teacher to express his/her views. And being sometimes, the only person with my perspective in the class.... that was just incredibly cool + encouraging.
24 more hours!..
and You said, don't be afraid
When I listen to this song... I just get this beautiful image of a child walking by a river. It's dark now, and any traces of warmth from the sun had all but vanished. As he starts to shiver from the cold, his pace quickens as the wind starts to scream and the trees claw him at him. Feeling utterly abandoned, his feet clumsily trips over a stray branch and he kneels.... weeping in sorrow, confusion, despair.
the air has never felt so warm
the sky has never looked this way before
there's nothing comforting in change
I can't seem to find any peace in this confusion
I can't help my mind from racing
and my heart is beating faster than ever before
tell me is this really happening
I cannot tell if I am dreaming
It was then that he felt the physical embodiment of gentleness and unconditional love touch him on the shoulder. He looks up... and sees the equally sorrowful eyes of his Jesus looking back at him. He opened his small mouth to speak, but the right words couldn't form in his mind. He had a feeling that anything he could say... anything he felt, Jesus would know. One word finally escapes his throat..... Daddy.
I saw You standing in the moonlight
and You took my hand
and we walked beside the river
and You said don't be afraid
I'm with you.
my precious son...
sigh. this song.... it never fails to bring such humbling conviction and strong emotions in this cold heart of mine. camp couldn't have come at a better time.
My precious son
I hear them screaming
I'm watching the face of the enemy beaming
But soon I will clothe you in robes of my own
Jesus this hurts me much more then you know
But this dark hour I must do nothing
Though I've heard your unbearable cries
The power in your blood
Destroys all of the lies
Soon you'll see past their unmerciful lies
Look there below
See the child trembling by her father's side
Now I can tell you why....
She is why you must die
this whole college thing is starting to get to me... all this talk about EDing and getting in(rare) and getting deferred(more likely) is making me really apprehensive about where i'll be 8 months from now. a typical conversation:
friend: so where do you want to go?
me: um... i don't know.
friend: where did you apply to?
me: um.... *lists off 12 schools*
friend: oooh cool. what's your first choice?
me: um..... i don't know.....
i had a dream that i got into cornell for ed... but i only applied regularly. but in my dream, i was incredibly excited about going to cornell. sometimes i just want to do just that - go to somewhere majestic, with cobblestone roads and stone buildings that have been around for decades.... somewhere where i don't know anybody at all and can just start over.
but then... reality hits. and realizing that so many of my incredibly brilliant and charming friends didn't get in, and i probably won't either...... and probably end up at uiuc. with about 1293709 other people i know.
our hearts cannot stay silent
Man... Praises to GOD for such my physics test. I was absolutely wowed... I thought I got a 75%, tops. But his blessings are just so rich... and even though I didn't know what the heck I was doing, I managed to bring up my grade by 20%. So at least I'll have one A come report card times =)
and we'll be... a dancing generation!
I'm starting to get really hungry for camp. I don't think I can say I'm excited because I don't feel soo excited.... but I'm looking forward to it. It's like I need it, I crave quality time with my girls, I need just time away from trying to just get through a daily to-do list. Four more days...!
Oh, and I got a digital camera =) And i've been taking pictures like crazy, hehe. So be prepared to see photos of my QT Max, and just really random ones of school, hehe.
sick of the world
"I'm not worried about you, you'll be fine."
"Well... it's because I think you're mature enough. You can handle it."
"I know this is last minute, but can you tutor me tonight?"
"Since I'm nice and not lazy, I'll go get it."
What if I can't handle it? What if I'm not fine and okay? What if I'm not as good as you thought I was?
I can't wait to go to California and leave this place <+><3
light of the world
So during prayer meeting before YG today, I started thinking about what it meant for me to be at church at that very moment.
That it went so much more beyond just my parents saying yes and my babe for driving me there.
Some number of years ago, I had to have moved from China to Chicago... then from Chicago to undisclosed area of where I live now. That I became friends with a few girls that happened to attend CCMC... that one friday night when they invited me to Youth Group, my parents let me go... that I would get hooked into this thing called worship... and that one day, when Steph handed me the summercamp form, I'd fill it out and go to SummerCamp2001... and there accept Christ. That I would continually go to CCMC for years after that, until it came to this very year where I finished my apps early and my parents were a bit more lenient... and then my babe was loverly-ing enough to come and pick me up... all for me to be at YG tonight. I'm sure you guys have similar stories too...
but doesn't that make you feel incredibly loved and just so encompassed in His divine plan? Yeah...
where would i be without You?
"If the general public wants it, then it'd be okay."
"So... if I killed Andrew, and everyone thought it was okay, then it wouldn't be morally wrong?"
"No... if everyone thought that killing Andrew was okay, then it's okay."
It's conversations like these that make me mentally smack my head.
Anyway. This week's been really, really draining. Physics test... bleh. Sometimes I wonder why I'm taking all AP courses... I'm not even doing all that well in them. Flowp goes Shendy's GPA. Only good part about staying up late every night = Coffee.
Sigh... I don't know what happened. I was doing so well - successfully juggling school, yearbook, math team, JETS, Writing Center, YG... and suddenly, one ball slipped. And now I've dropped everything... and I'm scrambling to try and start to juggle again. After the skit last Friday... and if you replace mitosis with angular momentum... Kelsey could totally be me. Sigh. God's grace is funny like that sometimes....
Actually, over the summer I started to really go through the Old Testament. I stopped by 1 Kings for some reason when school started... eh, it was probably because school started. I started reading again today... the part where God tells Elijah to go by the river and wait, and he would be fed by ravens. At this time, my thoughts were pretty much - Okay, if God told me to go sit by Lake Michigan and that seagulls would come and feed me... I'd tell him he was nuts. But I guess that's the beauty of grace... it's unpredictable in appearance... but steadfast in its path - always back to God.
It's just funny like that sometimes.......
That when I'm feeling INCREDIBLY stressed.... little blessings pop up. Things to make laugh, friends who buy me coffee(!!!), a nickel or two, thoughtful support.... sigh. Sometimes I just get so sick of this life and this world in general. Sometimes I'm just sick of having to go through school when there's so much MORE out there. Sometimes I'm feeling so longing just to go home.... Sometimes I'm just so fed up with the people around me. Sometimes it feels like my relationships are just so messed up... when things with you finally get better, after what - 14 months of fighting? - I just happen to meet your cosmic double with whom similar problems arise. Sometimes... I'm just so sick of being here and being human.
And so all the balls drop....
Mm... so last night, I dug up all these old mp3s and mpegs on my computer... listening to the voices of old leaders brought back so many memories. The specifics are on my xanga... but man. I think I realized how much of an impact my older brothers and sisters had in my life when I was younger... and I think, and I wonder where they are all now. I talked to JD and JK last night.... first time in a looong time.
It's kinda weird - the girls that were just in junior high then are leading small groups. The girls I used to act out Lord of the Rings with are now serving so faithfully.... in skits, in Servant Team, through everything. I'm so so so amazed by how our Father grows us... holds us close through these years. And even if those leaders are gone now... there are still continous blessings through new leaders too =)
So yeah. School today.... Jackie's presentation had coffee! So I drank some, thinking Okay, this will keep me awake through my Calc quiz... but then there were these Andes mints next to the coffee cups, so I put one in my coffee... it was quite tasty! So I had a lot of coffee.. and was wired during my Calc quiz, during physics, and during psych... then started to get sleepy again during Yearbook... meh.
Oh well. Anyway, tomorrow's the WC presentation.. I'm kinda nervous, kinda excited, kinda hungry.... and kinda losing my voice =/ Prayer first.. cough drops second.
more than worthless
This is a call... this is a callout. 'Cause everytime I fall down... I reach out to YOU.
Sam said last night... "I'm so sick of being... human. So petty. So catty. So... blah."
And that's just what we are... so human. So lost in our relationships with each other, with our Creator. So confused about what the heck we're here doing. So petty in our desires and our motives. So preoccupied with such meaningless things... with school, colleges, appearances, the opposite gender. So catty with drama and backstabbing. So lost as to where we're supposed to be... so caught up in the chains of this world that make us feel like we're just suffocated by our sin where all we REALLY want to and should be doing is
The cold air after Jeanne's outside was such a relief. Thanks to His grace for James being alive and well, thanks to His grace for me not crashing into Shirley's car, thanks to His grace for an old friend listening to me blabber on the phone after feeling like crap while driving home, thanks to His grace for good, solid conversation until 3 AM.... thanks to God for his mercies. I'm so amazed by how You've been working in my friends' lives, Dad.
Thank You for the constant reminders... no matter how painful it may be.. that YOU alone are God. And in the end.. we're just humans.
I'm soo... sinful.
But I'm Yours... and I thank You for that.