on a bit of napkin
And from that one word, she could tell it was him. It was his voice that had comforted her so many nights when she fell asleep while telling him about the problems she had with her dad. It was his voice that would sing to her on the phone when they couldn't see each other on even a weekly basis. It was his voice, the same voice, that she hadn't heard in the past three months.
"You're probably wondering why I'm calling....."
"Oh.. no, it's okay."
"I've been thinking a lot lately." Unconsciously, she held her breath. A burst of possibilities flooded her mind, some more hopeful than others. "About... you know."
She chuckled. "Yeah. I know."
"It can't.... we can't just go back to the way things were. It... maybe too many things have happened. I dunno." He sighed. She recognized that sigh... it was the I-don't-know-what-to-do-and-it-frustrates-me sigh. She closed her eyes, hoping that the problem would slowly fade.
"I had a dream last night. In the dream... you said the same thing. That you didn't even want to be friends anymore....."
He paused. "Oh."
"I just can't figure out.... if that's my greatest fear... or my greatest desire." She opened her eyes to the reality of their broken relationship.
"I know.... I know."
leaning tower of caribou
Constructed on the 14th of November, 2004 AD. Sadly, it also fell to its demise on that day. Built at Caribou Coffee on 75th street while partaking in coffee-like substances..
I don't want You to be just an emotion I get while listening to Chris Tomlin songs. I don't want You to be a mindset I've grown accustomed to adapting every Spring Break and the beginning of every August. I don't want You to be a mentality I adapt whenever the words 'religion' or 'God' appear in a conversation. I don't want You to be someone in the corner of my life. I don't want Your name to be one I utter out of shame and disgrace. I don't want Your life... to be worthless in mine.
But I am so weak.... I want you to be EVERYTHING in all I do.. in my physics test that I couldn't finish today, in the morning when I was eating my breakfast, in the conversations I have with my yearbook editors... I want you to be in the moments when I feel like I can't handle the burdens of this life anymore... I want you to be in those moments when I'm laughing with my friends drinking boba tea.
C.S. Lewis once said something like... If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. There are times when I just want to stay in my little world... trying to cram in one more integral before turning my test in, wanting to yell at the editors for not completing their spreads on time, snapping at my friends for something little....but then there are times when I feel like I'm yanked out of this world. When all I want to do is pick up my guitar and sing praises to Him all night long....
I'm sorry if it seems like I'm doing terribly with the Lord... I guess he's just been convicting my heart of a lot of things lately, and I've been spiritually wiped out. It seems that life on this side of heaven is a breathing paradox. Striving to love You with all of my heart... all of my life, while being pulled down by the gravity of this world sometimes seems hopeless. And then there's that other side of the paradox -- all we have is hope.... so with hope, we go on. With hope... we walk on.
I took a nice long walk outside for gym.
The sky was beautiful... I remember looking up and just looking at the clearest blue sky.. then closing my eyes and just let the fresh air consume me.
A lot of things came to mind while I was walking... I thought about what I expected out of myself, and how those expectations were based on... just stupid things. I thought about how I was acting with other people, and whether or not I was being sincere in my efforts... I thought about how much pressure I was putting on myself do "perform well." That mentality haunts me.. the thought of how many minutes, how many people, and how good of a Christian I am is the antithesis of who I want to be.
But nonetheless... I walked back into school feeling a little chillier, a little more antisocial, but also a little more content. Thanks dad =)
I was listening to this song called Which to bury, us or the hatchet by Relient K... and it totally reminded me of some.. past experiences. I think lately what's been worrying me is just how little I do think about it and how fast it's been erased from my memory.. To be honest, I'd be perfectly content just never trying to fix things again. But... *sigh* that's not enough. One of these days, I need to sit down and really bury this hatchet... because there's just no "almost" in a friendship. It's kinda ironic how these things turn out though... when I think that things are finally done and over over with... they have a funny way of coming back to push everything else to a screeching halt. So... yeah. One of these days.
It's so close. I can feel it right in front of me.. the edges are becoming sharper and I feel that if I just reached out I could almost touch it...
Gah... sometimes I just hate how desenthisized I've become. Things like little prayers being answered don't excite me anymore, talking to a sister or brother in Christ just becomes another check on the to-do list, and praying just becomes... a habit. Where did that excitement go?
Then I think about all the struggles everyone is going through.. and I have this tendency to push aside whatevers going on in my own life to be there for other people. It becomes... something to keep me busy?
But then I realize that other people have it so much harder than I do... I should be thankful for being able to know people to pray for me and listen... and even if I can't go to church, it should be okay because I'm sooo blessed already....
... Why can't I have that mentality more often =/
I wish I could just... be a little kid again. And be taken care of ... maybe I can't handle all this responsibility. Little things are just testing my temper too - I usually don't get angry, but I must've snapped at at least four people last week..... sigh. I'm sorry... I don't mean to yell... I don't mean to be a bad friend... I don't mean to not make it to meetings... I don't mean to do any of it...
Sigh. I need to just... stop. I need more GOD in my life. I need to grow up.
Haha, and the ironic thing is.... if someone IMed me right after this and asked me how I was doing... I'd probably tell him/her I was good.... what a funny world.......