I don't want You to be just an emotion I get while listening to Chris Tomlin songs. I don't want You to be a mindset I've grown accustomed to adapting every Spring Break and the beginning of every August. I don't want You to be a mentality I adapt whenever the words 'religion' or 'God' appear in a conversation. I don't want You to be someone in the corner of my life. I don't want Your name to be one I utter out of shame and disgrace. I don't want Your life... to be worthless in mine.
But I am so weak.... I want you to be EVERYTHING in all I do.. in my physics test that I couldn't finish today, in the morning when I was eating my breakfast, in the conversations I have with my yearbook editors... I want you to be in the moments when I feel like I can't handle the burdens of this life anymore... I want you to be in those moments when I'm laughing with my friends drinking boba tea.
C.S. Lewis once said something like... If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. There are times when I just want to stay in my little world... trying to cram in one more integral before turning my test in, wanting to yell at the editors for not completing their spreads on time, snapping at my friends for something little....but then there are times when I feel like I'm yanked out of this world. When all I want to do is pick up my guitar and sing praises to Him all night long....
I'm sorry if it seems like I'm doing terribly with the Lord... I guess he's just been convicting my heart of a lot of things lately, and I've been spiritually wiped out. It seems that life on this side of heaven is a breathing paradox. Striving to love You with all of my heart... all of my life, while being pulled down by the gravity of this world sometimes seems hopeless. And then there's that other side of the paradox -- all we have is hope.... so with hope, we go on. With hope... we walk on.