pockets of friends, pockets of relationships, pockets of places we go, books we read, music we listen to that we hide from the world.. and each other. the outside doesn't know about them, but we hide them, keep them close to our hearts, and relish in the fact that we can hold onto something so deep.

every once in a while, we stick our hands in those pockets and remember. the people. the memories. the events. like last night, when i saw kids i've gone to school with since i was 8 and we joked and laughed and smiled (albiet, some under the heavy influence of alcohol) and talked about middle school days of having lockers in the hole and not being able to get our yearbooks until after our 8th grade trip and having to scrub penises off the lockers and being scared of the "no PDA!" rule but doing it anyway behind the teacher's backs and hopping the fence to the mcdonalds after school and then taking our cones to the park and just swinging and laughing and being because the world was just westmont, il and we were 12 and we were happy...

that's a pocket so worn, so comfortable, that i almost forget it's there sometimes.

but it feels like such a trivial pocket. sometimes i feel like my pockets are just that -- very typical elementary school, middle school, went to high school, stumbled across this faith i'm trying to live in right now, and was all in all very.... small.

what about your pockets? how deep to they lie? what do you hide when the world goes to sleep? is it okay that the people around you have those pockets that they do keep to themselves....?

it's scary to realize that you just belong in one pocket of someone's life.
but maybe that's more scary than that is how much you can love a person.. despite all the hidden, change-jingling pockets that you'll never see.

one of the first signs that retreat was a time of change --

even though i came back missing the lake and its peace, was feeling kinda antisocial online. then bam, three of the yg girls IM me with things they've been feeling, struggling through/with, etc. and even though these are things i've experienced before and relate with... for some reason hearing it from them made me really giddy.

of course, i didn't laugh as they poured their hearts out since i figured that'd be a tad insensitive, but it honestly did excite me. why? maybe because it's showing me more and more just how weak we are in our brokenness... and since retreat, it's reminding me more and more of just how big and strong our God is in response to that.

amen?

oh yeah -- books i need to finish this summer. and not just, oh i should... like, oh, i've been starting and not finishing books for over a year now and it's starting to get sad =[

1. what's so amazing about grace by yancy. it's staring at me with the bright yellow sticky note of where i left off. i'm on page 35. *sigh*
2. captivating by the eldredges. i kinda don't have the momentum to finish this book right now, (pg. 117, halfway?) but i feel like i should. and the bookmark's from ronnie and spencer's wedding reception.. aww
3. next door savior by m.lucado. i'm so close to finishing this book, (pg. 159!) so i should this summer.. right?
4. blue like jazz by d.miller. um, so i gave my copy to my suitemate before i finished it... haha, can i borrow it from someone? *grins* i think i only have the last chapter or two left..
5. every woman's battle by ethridge. blue post-it on Red Light level of Emotional Connection, pg. 94
6. the ragamuffin gospel by manning. because the gospel is not a fancy church with tall steeples and perfect people.

and a couple of classics i never had the time to finish -- picture of dorian gray, crime and punishment, 1984... all books i own yet don't read.

make sure i read these books!

therefore.... i still think.

i think i have a hard time letting go of people in my past. people i should've kept better contact with, people i should've kept better tabs on, hung out with more, talked to more. mostly people from my high school. mostly people i've known for decades.

i think i feel guilty when i think about how much i let our friendships fade.

i think i'm trying to learn how to come to terms that i can't hold on to every relationship that comes my way.

i think i'm learning that i mess up.


and i wonder, admist all those thoughts, how God will redeem such things.





sigh.

i'm sorry i never kept in touch with you guys.

for some reason, this summer feels like two summers ago. like last summer was just an episode of our favorite show that was never supposed to air, and now we just don't know what to do with it.

maybe it has something to do with the people who are here... and the people who aren't. or maybe just a general sense of... getting back on track.

these past few days, i feel myself avoiding people at church, avoiding God in corporate settings. i reluctantly went to the college planning meeting on monday, purposefully didn't go bowling on tuesday, didn't go to the discipleship mtg, reluctantly went to prayer mtg.... and all in all i think it's because i fear what God has to say in corporate settings. i keep thinking about the patch of.. maybe 3 weeks? during this past semester where i was ardently seeking after God in His brands of justice -- recapping from NYCUP, attending the invisible children screenings, justice for children international movie/dinner and meetings. and i wanted to badly to glorify God in those areas...

but now i sit. in the richest county in illinois. in a house that's worth an inhumane amount of money for some bricks and electrical wiring. sitting in a comfortable, black leather chair, typing at a labtop, sitting with food in my stomach, my bedroom light and desk lamp casting shadows on my fingers as i type, with my cell phone and digital camera next to me, well clothed, well heated, well off... and... feeling sick to my stomach. i don't... know what, where God's calling me -- i even feel nauseous when i receive satellite emails now about programs and launches 'cause it all feels so trivial. how do i build His kingdom building nanosatellites in the basement of a multi-million dollar building in an ivy league school?

maybe the reason i run from God is because... i fear. there are all of these things going on in the world right now, right as i type, that sometimes i just cower back in helplessness and insecurity. what if God does call me to full time urban ministry? no more theoretical physics, satellite building, crazy mad scientist working in argonne. would that be so bad? what fears am i still holding onto?

after reluctantly so attending prayer mtg last night, i actually got to share and just hear about another friend who went on the IV cup this past spring break. and hearing about how God worked, works, will work, gave me a lot more hope than singing those songs and praying during the meeting. or that i feel more of God when i'm at home, singing worship songs on the piano, than i do at church with a formal worship band..

tomorrow, i leave for the college/yams retreat until monday. how will it be? i'm not sure yet... i hope He'll show me hope and action when i'm feeling all sorts of despair right now. even the woman with the perfume did what she could and was commended by Jesus for it.. for some reason, that just seems too far away :/

dear home church,

i realized today how tiring two services is,
how much i missed driving, dunkin donuts, and warm days.

and while i was praying, i realized that i needed to confess to God something... i don't want to be here. God wants me to be here, but i don't.

how will the summer go then? i'm not quite sure....


signed, me.

".. so i just realized that i didn't know how to get to the airport.."
"whaa? just pop in the kepano green cd! 294 to the airport... "

*three hours later*

"ooh you flew in from syracuse? for some reason i was looking up flights from boston.."
"... cornell's not near boston dude"
"yeah yeah i know, that kepano green song threw me off... weekend in boston *shakes head*"

you know, after being gone for a school year, some things really don't change. and i'm glad :)

two days filled with moving, 10+ boxes at kang's, korean bbq, hopped on a flight and i'm finally.... home.

sometimes i don't know what to call home anymore. when i'm at cornell, that's home -- that's where Family is, where i see God working, where the people i'm closest to are there to support, encourage, ding!, whatnot. but when i'm here... home's here. home's in westmont, illinois, at kuh kuh mm kuh where i've stumbled through my faith for the first four years of my christian walk. being back here makes me feel... displaced.

but hopefully it's all part of an adjusting period. i'm very, very excited about this summer and more doing and less of this talking business. one thing i think God's really shown me this year is... how meaningless our faith can be, is if it's just left to talk. we can talk about outreach, about putting more emphasis on prayer and inreach, about how campus needs God at cornell. we can talk about how ccmc girls really need dtr's and a workshop on that sort of stuff and just a bigger glimpse of who God is.... but what is it really without the prayer and action behind it?

... *waits for awkward adjusting period to be over*

all at once -- the fray

this song is the epitome of indecisiveness, uncertainty, and ... yeah.

There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another
To another

things i will not do this summer (or at least, try not to.)


1. be bitter, jaded, frustrated, angry. or, i gues stay bitter, jaded, frustrated, angry.
2. be unsatisfied with those who came back from college unchanged in ways i wish they would've changed, or changed in ways i do not approve
3. get frustrated at those who just don't get what God's given me a little glimpse of this past semester. i will realize that people might not care, and people might not understand, and it's okay 'cause that's where i was 6 months ago.
4. turn my expectations into playing God.
5. condemn people.
6. judge those at home.



yeeah... i've got a long summer ahead of me.

(click to make bigger)

the weather in ithaca is beeeeautiful, isn't it? :P only during finals week haha.

back on the 20th!

http://cusat.cornell.edu/index.php

yes? no? maybe so?

i need to decide by friday ><

a convo w/an alum earlier this week, on the topic of books.

weendyful: i like books
h a n s t e r: you should finish the ones you start!
weendyful: ahhh
weendyful: there are so many
h a n s t e r: there's a really good one i've been meaning to finish
h a n s t e r: maybe you've heard of it
h a n s t e r: the bible? by God?
weendyful: THE BIBLE?


and today's bible quiz during mini-o's, when we were asked questions like --
- list the ten commandments in order
- name all 12 disciples
- name the 11 brothers of joseph
- what was esther's cousin's name

i realized that.... i don't know the Word that well :/ (got the order of the middle four commandments mixed up & forgot one, forgot about the second judas & andrew, missed a whole lot of joseph's brothers, maybe 4 or 5? heh, but knew mordecai..)

i need to be more disciplined.

anyway. after coming home from mini-o's, taking a loong hot shower and napping til 9ish, i watched chronicles of narnia for the first time. and i think one of the subtle things i loved so much in that movie was that just by being there, the winter was fading. as they went on their journey to find aslyn, the snow was melting, flowers blooming. they didn't have to defeat the white witch for the winter to fade.

we fight this battle from victory, not to it. so as we walk with Christ... more and more we see the coldness, the injustice, the brokenness around us being warmed, healed, redeemed. it's a process that is constantly continual, when we're living in the kingdom of God yet still waiting for it. it's that delicious dicotomy that makes my head boggle with technicalities when really it's as simple as that...

Christ has won.

pressin' on =]

songs on repeat these few weeks --

we always rewind the best part -- this day & age
on your porch -- the format
boston -- augustana
the symphony of blase -- anberlin
i hear the bells -- mike doughty
get you in -- better than ezra
soco amaretto lime -- brand new
slideshow -- this day & age
the day we started -- this day & age
lullaby -- creed
marching bands -- death cab
for the widows in paradise, for the fatherless in ypsilanti -- sufjan stevens (this song was in the invisible children video.)




do you ever feel like you get to a point in your life where the things around you -- world events, the seemingly hopelessness of the injustice around you, the microscopic in your own life with cs projects, psets, mini-olympics, slope day -- and thousands more that splatter the canvas of our lives... that they're almost too much?

and after coming home from working on cs again in carpenter, crashing, and effectively missing the coah meeting... i feel like i'm almost in a daze. when the things of this world are too much and i'm finally.. surrendering....

thoughts that tend to surface at 3:00 am --


i miss bacci's pizza. i want to go sometime this summer.

i also miss wanting to go to caribou at 10:30... then loitering til 11 and realizing its closed, and going to denny's or dunkin.

java. the coffee > the coding.

my mom just told me that neither she nor my dad can pick me up from the airport when i get back home.

... i miss home =/

i spent 10 out of the last 30 hours working on our cs/mini-OR project. it's still not done.

happy birthday, mom :)

memorial day weekend will be my first retreat as a ccmc college kid.

i have an interview with houghton mifflin. i have no idea what i'd be doing, and i think i'm grossly underqualified as an engineer, seeing they're seeking an upperclassmen with this type of experience... but hey, it's like what you said, right? we'll be in engineering jobs all our lives. why not have some fun.

i dont think it's sunken in yet that you're all graduating.

i've slept through and skipped more classes these past two weeks than any other week this year. thus... i am tired and worn out .-.

and now.... i will forgo relativistic mechanics and get some sleep. goodnight.




ps.
God's still really.. really good :) praising Him under open, blue, grey, and blustery skies.