maybe it has something to do with the people who are here... and the people who aren't. or maybe just a general sense of... getting back on track.
these past few days, i feel myself avoiding people at church, avoiding God in corporate settings. i reluctantly went to the college planning meeting on monday, purposefully didn't go bowling on tuesday, didn't go to the discipleship mtg, reluctantly went to prayer mtg.... and all in all i think it's because i fear what God has to say in corporate settings. i keep thinking about the patch of.. maybe 3 weeks? during this past semester where i was ardently seeking after God in His brands of justice -- recapping from NYCUP, attending the invisible children screenings, justice for children international movie/dinner and meetings. and i wanted to badly to glorify God in those areas...
but now i sit. in the richest county in illinois. in a house that's worth an inhumane amount of money for some bricks and electrical wiring. sitting in a comfortable, black leather chair, typing at a labtop, sitting with food in my stomach, my bedroom light and desk lamp casting shadows on my fingers as i type, with my cell phone and digital camera next to me, well clothed, well heated, well off... and... feeling sick to my stomach. i don't... know what, where God's calling me -- i even feel nauseous when i receive satellite emails now about programs and launches 'cause it all feels so trivial. how do i build His kingdom building nanosatellites in the basement of a multi-million dollar building in an ivy league school?
maybe the reason i run from God is because... i fear. there are all of these things going on in the world right now, right as i type, that sometimes i just cower back in helplessness and insecurity. what if God does call me to full time urban ministry? no more theoretical physics, satellite building, crazy mad scientist working in argonne. would that be so bad? what fears am i still holding onto?
after reluctantly so attending prayer mtg last night, i actually got to share and just hear about another friend who went on the IV cup this past spring break. and hearing about how God worked, works, will work, gave me a lot more hope than singing those songs and praying during the meeting. or that i feel more of God when i'm at home, singing worship songs on the piano, than i do at church with a formal worship band..
tomorrow, i leave for the college/yams retreat until monday. how will it be? i'm not sure yet... i hope He'll show me hope and action when i'm feeling all sorts of despair right now. even the woman with the perfume did what she could and was commended by Jesus for it.. for some reason, that just seems too far away :/