hi. my name is wendy.

i went running while it was thunderstorming this morning. in the torrents of rain.
so now

take away the dress from the wedding yesterday
take away the curling iron
the hair spray
the bobby pins

take off the necklace and replace it with a faded WWJD bracelet
remove the pearls and leave my ears bare
let the perfume fade away and put my watch back on
take the high heels off and slip on a pair of flip flops

splash away the eyeliner
blush, eyeshadow, lip gloss
other forms of makeup i can't identify
pick off the 6 coats of nail polish
the nicely manicured tips

wash away my pride
the quantities of serving
my critical self
my hypocritical self
my sinful self

and you'll find me
bent down in the rain, singing rain down at the top of her lungs
feeling washed away by His cleansings flood

yet someone who doesn't know what to do in her present
where to store her past
or what to fear (or rejoice in) for the future
someone who makes mistakes, creates messes, breaks things with clumsy hands
... more often than not

you'll find myself when i'm real
a girl simply longing to be held by her Father

... hi. my name is wendy.

CCMC Worship - Let Your Glory Fall

Listening to this song brings back old memories... images of old leaders that God's moved in and out of my life, people, struggles (some the same, some radically different), memories, laughs, tears, joys, pains, wisdom,... all things. Especially after the (successful? =]) Leader's Appreciation Night last Saturday, I'm realizing how deeply grateful I am for this Family. How it's only by His grace alone that I could've finally said yes to the girls urging me to come to coffeehouse, ygfriday, or to "meet THAT guy!" back four and some years ago.

I woke up yesterday with the thought of, "I want to spend time with You, God." in my mind. So... did just that, reading through Hebrews 10 and a call to perservere.

v. 32 Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you stood your ground in a great contest in the face of suffering...

And next year, at Cornell, it'll be the same. The disillusionment that it'll be one big SummerCamp is quickly shattered, but in its place is coming a sense of... peace. Received my rooming assignment after doing 3 hours of Chemistry o_O then went to go take Princess (the black lab i'm dog-sitting) for a walk, then watched a few episodes of Friends while journalling at her house. Came back... Home Run Derby (Yeah Abreu :D) then..

... I proceeded to plan out the first two weeks at Cornell. Memories to bring, things to pack, shoes to sort through, events to attend, ice cream socials, Asian BBQs... and the fellowships I've been looking at. There's so much to do that I'm afraid I won't get to it all... but at least I have people to do them with :) After being a little bummed about getting a single room, and reassurance from Cornellians that it'd be nice to have alone-time, and looking up floor plans for Low Rise 6 (it's REALLY cool!!) ... feeling better about it.

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself... the present has become a movie I've started to watch while taking a backseat, even though the most "exciting" things are yet to come. I should stop getting ahead of myself...

Wow that's been one of the longest and most coherent posts I've written in a while.... hmm...

i'm listening to a demo cd from various bands at my (old) school... remembering when i first got your demo in apush, your concert that i missed on my birthday, and finally listening to you guys play during 24 hour relay and being utterly wowed by how much talent a couple of high school guys had.

the last few months of high school flew past - like i was chained to a director's chain while watching a scene haphazardly fly past me. and honestly looking back... and after passing by a Devil Hogs bumper sticker while running last night, i realized - i'm going to miss high school. i'm going to miss all the preppiness, the "we're SO the people from mean girls" comments, the sea of red, white and black every friday, senior dress up days that i would usually be too lazy to participate in, the labtops in every classroom that remind us that we do indeed live in hinsdale...

... but i will miss it.

... when silence falls.. You'll be the song in my heart.

Cause on a night like tonight
You bring me to life
And remind me there’s another side of day
Where I will see all that You are
More than a sky full of stars
And the worries of this world will fall away
On the other side of day

because there's something so clear about the nighttime. when the things of the day slowly come into focus, pinpointing our lives and our hopes onto the only One that remains faithful through it all.

i was looking through old photos... after a week that has been frustrating and tiring tumbled into a ball of stress. and was reminded of how much joy has been given these past four years through the faces that God's put in my life. that He's not only the crafter of our lives, but the delicate webs that make up our influences.. through the imperfections, misunderstandings, and it all - He remains in charge.

maybe that's why i'm feeling oddly not-worried about leaving for college. about leaving this group i've come to call Family. i can't trust myself and my abilities to continuously seek fellowship, form new relationships or even maintain older ones. but that's why we need You, isn't it? when we can't do things on our own...

so that's where my Hope is. where my Trust is in.
because You're more than a night full of stars.

You stop me.
faster than i could stop myself.

we receive the love we think we deserve

and the verses that have been revolving in my mind stop spinning and finally fall into place

Can an ocean be captured in a thimble? Can the tone-deaf play Mozart? Can a mouse understand the majesty of the Rocky Mountains? Of course not...

.. And can any words capture Your love? By no means. But what joy is found in the attempt...

personally. passionately. powerfully.