Her words seemed imprinted on his mind, but hit a roadblock of doubt on the way to his heart. Shifting uncomfortably, the seat under him suddenly seemed cold and metallic. Lately, the idea of corporate worship had frustrated him beyond ends -- the practiced acoustics of the praise team were rehearsed, stiff. He could barely find love in his own heart, let alone those who only practiced what they preached around him.
"Hiii -- are we supposed to eat breakfast together tomorrow?" A comfortingly obnoxious voice pierced his thoughts. The youngest in his small group plopped down in the seat next to him, disregarding the obvious 'I'm not in the mood to talk' face he was making.
"Yeah, yeah. Last day we'll eat together as a small group." He answered, hoping the boy wouldn't notice the weariness and reluctancy to talk in his voice.
"Cool! Okay.. well see you then!" As he exuberantly bounded away, he smiled to himself, perhaps for the first time that night. I miss being excited about God like that....
As the lights slowly dimmed, marking a time for worship, his hands started to jitter more. Looking anxiously around the room, his gaze collided into hers. Her eyes quickly disheartened at the strain in his own, and whispered in their own language -- wanna go outside? He silently slipped on his jacket and made his way to the back of the room. The cool air welcomed him with relief, enveloping the both of them gently into reality.
They walked side by side in silence, until the silence started to scare him. He stopped in his track, as she walked on further along the path, slowly stopping and finally turning around to meet his gaze. He opened his mouth to speak, but was silenced by the shaking of her head. Her gaze traveled over his, surveying the night sky above them.
"He loves you for you... you know."
As he lifted his gaze, all notions of comfort and reality as he knew it slipped from under him as he stood captivated by the heavens. And under the twinkling stars, swirling galaxies, where the wind seemed to stand still just for him... he believed it.
//"it's not about that though.. it's about whether or not you're going to be honest with yourself. sometimes you find someone where you can't help but be honest.. not cause you want to stop lying to yourself, but you can't help be honest and fair to them. but as scary as that is, it's funny how many fears you conquer cause of it..."
how g r e a t is our God --
beyond our understanding!
the number of his years is past finding out. -- job 36.
the last time i listened to this song like this? brought back good memories. i actually remember this weekend :)
i had a dream last night that i was getting really frustrated at certain people, certain things they were doing. and i guess it was apparent, because my small group leader asked me if i was okay, and when i said yes -- like i always do -- he picked me up, and took me outside.
he asked me what was really bothering me, and i told him that sometimes i hate talking about my own problems because of my own pride -- appearing "weak," or not knowing what to do, or .. i guess that state of vulnerability.
"wendy.. sometimes you just have to be with people... and just be. and let that be enough. "
so i started telling him what was bothering me... the things other people were doing, and someone else playing soccer came over. and jokingly, he said, "are we complaining to the whole world about our problems?"
and i got really sensitive and said no.. then he asked me who i told. and i just said my sg leader, and two girls keeping me accountable. and he smiled, and said thats exactly what he would've done...
then i woke up.
i think, sometimes i have a really hard time just being with people.
"*beep* Henry! No time to give your mother a call? How's the new job? Call mommy back!"
He chuckled to himself, and opened the fridge.
" *beep* Hey man, it's Tom. Don't forget to print out the songsheets for this Friday, okay? We're doing that new song from retreat. Hmm... okay, I guess that's it, later then."
Picking up his pen, he jotted down 'Print songsheets' on a little post-it on the fridge. He continued to rummage through the fridge when he heard it. When he heard her.
" *beep* I'm going to China this summer."
Almost rehearsed, he stopped in his step as the voice on the machine hesitated.
"...remember how we always talked about missions? I guess it's finally happening... God's been so good. I wish I could tell you. Well, heh, I guess that's what I'm doing now. I thought about calling you earlier, ... maybe a few weeks ago. I guess I thought it'd be too awkward... heh, like I guess it is now. I'm going to China this summer to teach English, and I wanted you to know... I know that we haven't really kept in touch after high school, but... yeah, I guess I just wanted to let you know. How.. how have you been? I actually thought about you the other day -- remember that song you played for me on the phone? The one in that movie I liked so much? Haha, and how you refused to sing 'cause --"
He realized that he had been holding his breath when the message came to a halt.
" *beep* Oops, I guess you can only talk so much on these things... heh, sorry. Anyway, um.. yeah, just wanted to let you know. I'll... see you around, I guess.... bye."
"*beep* End of messages."
The house was enveloped in a cool silence as the remnants of her voice echoed in his heart. It was times like those where a time was needed to be still, remember, and embrace things... people, long forgotten in the past.
//even if you cannot hear my voice
i'll be right beside you dear
sometimes, on nights like these
i'll think about you
and i wonder where God's led you after all these years...
You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say
// vertical horizon, everything you want
sharing from two cornell alum, both out on cali campuses now (usc and ucla) doing ministry. vset, missions, and a desire to get out of this piety and to make faith into something real.
fundraising auction -- dinners, photos, and high-rolling bids =]
a night of gratitude.
thanks for the roses
thanks for the video
and thanks for the night.
the guys at gcf ended up surprising the girls with a sister-appreciation thing at the end of the night, with flowers, videos, and just... an expression of their gratitude that made me feel like.. wow, God... this is Family. one of the most touching sharing from a freshman in the video --
"whenever i think about the gcf girls, i think about grace and beauty. it seems very obvious cause we're called grace christian fellowship, but just.. the grace, and the things that they say, how they say things, and just the way they act everyday.. they're just overflowing with beauty, whenever they smile -- and even when they don't smile, it's just such a pleasure to see the beauty overflowing from their hearts. it's such an awe to be able to call them my sisters, and to be a brother to them... i'm so thankful for them."
he asked me last semester for me to let the guys love us.
thanks for pushing us,.. me, towards that, bro.
thanks to our Dad who gives us this love, and the overflow of His love onto His children.
they say they've seen
water to wine, fish to feasts
with what response --
doubt, for a believer's heart?
they call themselves
living in such comfortable lives
hearts settling on the couches of their souls
leaning back to let God perform His brand of justice
scars that shout into this century
broken churches, broken people, broken lives
hidden behind an infallible mask
a cross seen only on sundays
He would shout
to a world so caught up in the wonder of it all
one can only ask
when will our God of wonders
become a God of wonder?
and it goes on
i think tonight, for the first time in a long time, i'm going to sleep smiling.
i've been thinking a lot about home, here, and Family lately. and how i fit into that all...
and i think i finally feel secure in where i am, where He's placed me... and... yeah :)
"what are you laughing at?"
"haha.. i dunno. life.. timing.. being here with you..."
jim716jih: ooh what do you thnk about james blunt
weendyful: who's james blunt?
jim716jih: he's a fellow who sings really high
jim716jih: he's got aht song
jim716jih: YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL
weendyful: ive never heard of it
jim716jih: for some reason all girls who have listened to it liked it
maybe it's cause girls don't hear that they're beautiful..
i like hearing what God has to say to me, and not what i want God to say to me.
i tend to rejoice when i can see the blue sky.
i want to make a music video for lead of love for when the seniors leave.
... i'm really going to miss when the seniors leave =[
i like engineering career fairs where you get lots of free stuff =] i should've brought my (non-existent) resume with me though.
pad thai is yuuummmmmmy
being cheesed is worse than being caked.
God's justice > our justice.
you know.. you miss out on a lot of the little things when you live a life consumed by fear. i know i did.
thanks for Your freedom... Dad.
where can we go from here?
fear is such a powerful bondage tool.
// through so many miles, and so many years
to the feet of Jesus
where the wounded heart is found
there the grace of God abounds
"and the funny thing is... Jesus loves them just as much as He loves us."
"all in all.. thanks for being you."
-- thank you for the talks, encouragements, and honesty bro =]
i'm glad these past few days are over. maybe the nights will be better now.
though they rage on
somehow, they don't seem as bad anymore
with hope in one hand
Your hand grasping the other
and although they rage
i still stand in You.
sometimes.. you just need that time to listen.. you know?
there's something about it that massages my soul. that spurs something inside of me to shed the ordinary, the normal, the routine and take flight.
flying through clouds that hold and comfort and sings of beauty. blue skies praising Your glory. sparkling city lights from a height that shine in the blackest of nights. rippling oceans at night, when the blue swirls and dances with the stars of the sky and the warm beach sand.
//i wish i could soar in the rain with the stars and the moon shining in reminder of His love and i know that's not possible but sometimes i wish i could and weren't so confined... to me.