what started out as 15-some people gathering on sunday nights to pray has turned into a interfellowship thing.

so...

tonight....

i think i'm leading prayer meeting for freshmen from at least 5 fellowships.


.... God, where are You leading???

feeling all sorts of inadequacy and nervousness and wanting someone else to step up for once... i hope You know what you're doing?


--edit
gaah it's not even only freshmen! now it's people from 6 fellowships in the community center with upperclassmen too... God, why'd that email have to be sent out without us knowing about it? Why me?? don't You know how messed up i am? don't You know that i'm not nearly enough ready to lead something this big? i've only been at this school for two months.... sigh... oh Daddy.

odd dream.

i've come to learn that anything i try to do out of my own willpower is meaningless.

serve, love, rebuke, criticize.

and the most i can do now is pray. pray that the same thing that happened to me won't happen to you. pray that somewhere beneath the messiness of what i know you can be.. in fact, what we all are, is the Spirit of God moving so strongly that we can't help but follow Him.

bitterness will not have a reign on me.


sigh.. i hope this doesn't turn into apathy ><

how far has God taken you? this far.

i ended up re-reading all my old entries from 2005 this year. and i realized that after a certain point.. sometime halfway through the summer, most of my posts on this blog became private.

mm... here's me again, wanting to be real. hi.

--

it's been a good feeling to learn how to trust God. i always thought i was pretty good with that, but it wasn't until i got to cornell that i learned how to truly abandon it all for Him. last week, had a liquids, solids, gases and thermo prelim for chem and was... quite worried in the midst of things. i almost told my small group leader that i couldn't lead sg because i was so 'busy.'

but i lead the bible study anyway. you told me you were glad i had my priorities right -- truth of the matter was... i didn't. i told you i'd lead sg out of the same fear i had last year through servant team - i didn't want to disappoint you. but man... God.. you can still take things rooted out of fear and shame and make it into something beautiful. so thank You for showing me that the urgent things aren't always important.

it's raining outside right now
and it might snow tonight

sometimes, if i sit really still
i can feel Your presence
in every single thing around me
and that's how we know we're living.
breathing.
seeking.
it's just so easy to forget.






so here's to new beginnings
to remember that there's life in Christ
that we don't live a life of guilt or shame
but one in freedom.

and what a glorious thing that is.

dirty. selfish. disgusting. stuck in sin. irresponsible. messy. liar. greedy. low. sketchy.

sinful.

am i describing you, or am i describing me?






loving people takes a lot of time, forgiveness... sigh, and a lot, a lot of God.

Five Times August - Greatest Falling Stars

i need better time management skills :/
meetings with sg leaders, felly dinners, prayer mtgs, meeting up with you, small group, study for chem prelim, engineering conferences

eek.

Tim Hughes - Almighty God


.. and some things, i'm just speechless about.
*sigh*

the consequences of sin never felt so real.
the desperation to pray has never felt so pounding
and kingdom of God has never felt so near....


and at the end of the day
despite the mistakes
and emotional lapses
God's still good
and can make good
out of anything... yeah.. even this
so i'm trying to trust in Him
and let everything go to someone who can truly Heal
Save
Redeem

Redemption.

sigh.

anyway. back to multivariable.