forget about the fight to wear the crown of scars
cause you've already won
forget the pain and leave the tears behind you
bury underneath your feet the remains of what's been left behind
cause you have got a long
long way to run

but now you dance the rest of the way
and you don't look back
can you hear that angel singing as you rise
now you fly away and you don't look down now
and you laugh till you can't laugh any longer
as you watch your chains fall to the ground


// lifehouse, crown of scars.

so the bulk of school has already started. my mondays, wednesdays and fridays are packed with lectures and labs and meetings and things that make hiding under the covers very tempting. but tues and thurs mornings i have free (to be).

random thought -- i think i take community for granted sometimes. okay, a lot of the time. at least i have people to bicker with and make fun of and hug..









.
.
there's a lot to pray for.

i had this thought tonight, that i would be graduating from the #1 applied and engineering physics school in the united states with my master's degree with only one extra semester of schooling, possiblyto go into two years of teaching in the inner city. i'd be making less a year than how much i paid for cornell in a year. i'd go from doing mission reports and using lorentz transformations in electrodynamics to explaining how gravity worked to elementary school kids.

would it be worth it?
heck yeah.

i'm itching for the "real school year" to start.
and waiting for something to click and make sense.
and wanting to do something more real than what i'm doing now.
and thinking about going overseas next summer.
and wishing that i could have the best of both worlds, home and here.

some things i've been thinking/praying over -- how hard it is for those on missions this summer to come back to a cultural, materialistic, blech sort of campus // applying to teach in inner city nyc or philly next summer for 6 weeks // signing up for vset or something similar next summer // the small group i'm leading this semester on foundations, theologically conservatism and cultural liberalism // why mr. grudem has not come in the mail yet // et cetera...



hmm
i should get back to gauss jordan elimination...

when did i stop feeling?


the heart breaking makes a sound...

reading list for next year:

Labview for Everyone
Electricity and Magnetism (Berkeley Physics V.2)
Astronomy: A Physical Perspective
Linear Algebra with Applications
The Great American Job Scam: Corporate Tax Dodging and the Myth of Job Creation
The City Reader
Magical Urbanism Latinos Reinvent the US Big City
Cities and the Creative Class

//

Whatever Happened to the Gospel of Grace: Recovering the Doctrines That Shook the World
Systematic Theology (Grudem... *shivers*)
Desiring God
OT! (w/my lovely roommate)


*rubs eyes*
o_o

from an anonymous note --
W --
I hope and pray that you are finding the time to process, to heal, to forgive, and to move on.

*nods*

camp felt like all the pieces are slightly worn and someone spilled coffee on the front box of a thousand piece puzzle. it felt so fuzzy yet precise. so planned yet spontaneous. so joyful yet so... ____.

i feel like things are clearer and simpler now. thanks much to the company of friends are willing to walk alongside.

w: are you going to prayer mtg
J: yeah
J: i suppose in a little bit
J: i'm just taking a bit of a breather
w: haha
w: mm
w: i know how that feels.
J: hmm
J: yeup
w: summer is suffocating
J: that's kind of sad huh?
w: *nods*


i think tonight was the best prayer meeting i'd been to all summer. and we didn't even make it past the stairwell.


While they were still talking about this, Jesus himself stood among them and said to them, "Peace be with you." They were startled and frightened, thinking they saw a ghost. He said to them, "Why are you troubled, and why do doubts rise in your minds? Look at my hands and my feet. It is I myself! Touch me and see; a ghost does not have flesh and bones, as you see I have." -- luke 36-39

lately, i've been chilling a lot at the danada starbucks during my lunch breaks -- reading, journalling, praying, etc. and i always wonder whether or not i should talk to the people sitting next to me. i mean, it's kind of obvious that i'm reading the bible, and i usually have a max lucado book or my wonderful eschatology book with me.

i had a dream last night that i didn't remember until i heard this one song on the radio. i felt like someone was showing me a video clip of what could've happened in a starbucks if i did talk to the guy next to me about a man named Jesus.

then the clip stopped. and someone asked me what i was afraid of.

then i woke up.

what are you afraid of?





anyway. it's the eighth month. and while we have things to look forward to, -- summer camp, last large group, a few more outings, etc.. -- i'm really, really looking forward to leaving this place (again) and having another Home to look forward to. i miss school. i miss getting bubbles! at 3:00 am and trying to trek home from the engineering library in the rain and korean bbq at brian's and falling asleep during einstein's relativity proofs then cramming for the psets the night before and drinking lots, and lots of sobe energies and coffee to stay awake but crashing around 3 am... sigh. i miss all of that. 'cause like what sarah posted on her xanga, maybe we prefer academic stress to emotional stress.

oh well. two more weeks, and i'm outta here.