"i'm... mm... yeah i dunno...."
"you okay? you look tired.."
"no... no, i'm not tired. it's just been a very.. surreal evening."
"oh really? surreal in a good way..?"
"mmm kinda like... have you ever felt like God's gonna do something so big, so powerful that you're almost scared?"
"sometimes... that kind of surreal?"
i think i just had the most surreal night of my Cornell career.
.... and i don't know what to think.
i'm scared, so scared, but excited, and smiling at the end of my first conversation after it, like i got shoved back into the real world, and i'm not sure what to think or believe or question but it's not scary if it's from God, right? and it is from Him, and i honestly don't know what i'm doing anymore, maybe im finally letting go and letting Him take control but sometimes where He leds is scary....
sometime next week will definitely be the most surreal experience i've ever had in my life.
and somehow... i'm assured by the fact that it's all from God.
And slowly... I'm becoming okay with that too.
Which is why I was smiling halfway through the period today during Astro despite my um, less than par performance on our midterm exam. And while I can make excuses -- I didn't have time to study, I had three other exams that week, I'm an engineer not an astronomer... but as the class progressed, it clicked.
The stars, planets and galaxies have and will always hold a soft spot in my heart... when I look up into the sky, I see the glory of God -- I see His swirling dust clouds, His majesties, the presence of a Savior that's become undeniable. But in the eyes of an astrophysics major... I see equations. I see tidal forces, I see radiation, I see the CO2 content and the Greenhouse effect. I've lost the wonder for what I was so captured by in the first place :/
Which is why I'm more and more at peace with a withdrawel. I talked with my professor, and though he said I could still finish the course and not fail -- sometimes, it's not about that right? It's about aligning ourselves with His heart... no matter where He takes us... even if we don't know where that is.
// thanks for blue skies, waking up smiling, and a heart of joy that could only be from You... and right after i posted this, a song popped out while thinking about God, the heavens, and where we fit in... i don't think i've written a song in a long time =]
Oo something stolen from sarah, hehe.
Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Read through each of the following questions, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING, you must use the song that comes on.
1. How does the world see me? 21 and Invincible -- Something Corporate
2. Will I have a happy life? Overthinking -- Relient K
3. What do my friends really think of me? Shining Light -- Ash
4. Do people secretly lust after me? Like A Child -- Jars of Clay
5. How can I make myself happy? Dance -- Mercyme
6. What should I do with my life? Hover -- Five Times August
7. Will I ever have children? Just a Ride -- Jem
8. What is some good advice for me? Nothing But The Blood -- Mercyme
9. How will I be remembered? Too Many Lovers -- Matt White Band(HAHAHAHA)
10. What is my signature dancing song? Don't Think Twice -- Allister
11. What do I think my current theme song is? Through The Night -- Koo Chung
12. What does everyone else think my current theme song is?:Dignity and Money -- Straylight Run
13. What song will play at my funeral? Benediction -- Relient K
14. What type of men/women do you like? More Than Useless -- Relient K (hey, agreed :P)
15. What is my day going to be like? Way Away -- Yellowcard
16. Will I ever have love again? Not To Us -- Chris Tomlin
how much does it take?
Yeah... I don't know :/
"It's too late now... "
I guess this is what it takes, right? For He did give us a spirit of boldness and power... yet why do so many of us... why do I, live with such timidity? It's weird to think about the people who we interact with on a daily basis... hallmates, classmates, those we run into in Duffield while getting coffee, our CS partners... as being people who don't know Jesus?
I wonder what it'd look like if we lived with such urgency ...
these kids make my day =]
It's hard not to be despairing after you go on a trip like nycup, then come back to a place like Cornell. But little by little, He's showing me that hope really doesn't disappoint.
On the way back, I remember s. ask us how we felt... and j. said we were just holistically tired, emotionally, spiritually, physically, the whole deal. And looking back, that's really true -- maybe because God was working in and through us so fervently in all of those areas. I came into the city with a lot of baggage, judgements, and fears -- the first girl I met I even judged by her popped collar and pearl earrings (whom now I might be going to NYCUP again this summer with). But it's the inevitable... those judgements come out, rearing their ugly heads. But then God does something amazing.... He heals us through them.
Coming back, even through one day in classes, I felt this sense of peace, true shalom that I hadn't in a while. Peace that yeah, I probably won't be working at some prestigious energy laboratory this summer, that I might be doing a non-paying Intervarsity internship... but you know what? I think I'm okay with that. Or that sometimes, things do change -- you think I'd be used to it by now, halfway through my second semester of college. But I'm okay with that too.
More and more, Jesus is that voice, that person sitting next to me, guiding my ways in a car when the I turn off the headlights. It's when control becomes His -- or in the case of nycup, is gently pried out of my unrelenting fingers and given to Him :P
God has this way of showing up when I expect Him to throw a curveball when I expect a fastball. But hey.... I love the game of baseball...... amen?
edit -- nycup pictures :)
you can't love God
without loving His people.
and you know what? a big chunk of His people are in the inner city.
so many of us just don't get it.
i wish our eyes were open more =[
i've only been here for a few hours, but already i want to go back to the city, to the bronx, to lpac. where i find more hope and more God than i do here. in the dining hall even, i was so overwhelmed by all the food choices that i just got a sandwich.... someone to my left was complaining about how there was nothing in the hall, in one of the halls ranked top 5 in the nation?
why don't we see? why don't we care?
i don't know how you guys do it :/
and in one week... He opened my eyes and showed me how to love it too.
i'm not scared anymore.
in anticipation for nycup, i'm looking at all these photos of new york... the region we're going to be in, the bronx, and i'm reeally missing the city. i love being in a campus setting -- the trees, dorms, quads, gorges :D, but every once in a while i really miss lights, sounds, tall buildings, and all that is.. city.
i kinda regret not spending as much time in chicago the city when i lived there. a thought that's been lingering in the back of my head is whether or not i'm staying on the east coast or looking back midwest post-cornell..... i guess we'll see in terms of that.
i'm excited :D
"if the mass is on an unstable point, then it rolls down and you cannot find it. forever."
like watching my phys professor, a well-known cosmologist in our phys department, fling a foot-long spring into the air with two heavy balls it, realize that it's going to crash onto of him, and duck to take cover.
or seeing him trying to demonstrate unstable eq. points on a potential function with a ball, realize the ball's going too fast for him to catch, and curse, waking all of us up since he's the most mild-mannered professor i've had :P
or my diffy Q's professor.. oh dear.
(all in an odd, french/russian accent?)
"here is a spring.. and this is a thing called a dash-board? dashboart? i have never heard of this before... to my understanding, it is a thin wire rod... but i may be mistaken... dashboard... hmm.."
"how did you come up with that equation?"
"um...mum mum mum.. you just have to see it. you know, spend a couple of afternoons thinking about it, and if you cannot get it, look in the book."
"... but slope fields are a little... how do you say it, slopy."
"this is who is not linear but it still smells like linear..."
"If h is greater than 4, you still have a chance for good things to happen..."
"do we have to know partial fractions for the prelim?"
"partial fractions? is that like.. adding fractions?"
"people are dying with constant speed."
"birth in equals birth out!"
".. and then you know, alligators will take over the world..."
"Doomsay... What is this? I never heard of it, is that the opposite of extinction?"
"it's Doomsday, professor."
"...ah, doomsday!.. really?"
and my all time favorite, while talking about population models --
"Every guy can be friends with every girl, then the birth rate is p squared, but they are probably not human...."
oh, i love the math and physics department at cornell =]
i just had the weirdest dream where i tried to catch you in an elevator to share a passage with you... when in real life, i dont think we've ever had a serious conversation, and for the life of me now i can't remember it now. soemthing 45-47, i think...
yay for surveys
1. i've always wanted to join a bible study about revelation. the end of times, prophecying, etc. has always excited me...
2. i have a really hard time keeping pets and plants alive.. :/
3. when i was in middle school, i used to change the color of my braces to match whatever holiday it was.
4. before lent, i've never gone more than a day for almost 7 years without my watch on. even through dances, weddings, and graduation.
5. i can't leave the house/my dorm without knowing how many degrees it is outside. thus, konfabulator widgets for weather.com, hehe.
6. i once stepped on a glue gun my soph. year of high school, and left a scar for months.
7. i get some sort of cut/wound/scar whenever i play hockey, starting freshmen year when i trippped over ivanlo's stick while practicing and scraped my elbow.
8. the presence of people i love comfort me like crazy. they don't even have to talk. or be conscious. just... being there is enough.
9. i love falling asleep while it's raining
10. i wear my backpack around with me everywhere... i think people recognize the backpack now more than they recognize me...
Nine places I've visited
1. beijing, china
2. toronto, canada
3. london, england
4. paris, france
5. cozumel, mexico
6. key west, florida
7. um.... ithaca new york!!
9. wanna go somewhere? :)
Eight things i want to do before i die
1) worship God with my earthly family
2) memorize an entire book of the bible. (and not one of the short short letters... i want some meat, man.)
3) spend an entire day at museums/theme parks i loved when i was a kid (sea world, disneyworld, planetarium, aeronautical museum...)
4) meet up and pray with those who brought me to Christ
5) go on missions in china, in the region where i was born
6) see the cubs in the world series... and be at that game!!!
7) drive across the country into the weeest
8) be where Jesus was (physically)
seven ways to win my heart
1) love God waaay more than you love me
2) push, challenge, confront, and speak Truth into those around you, including my life with the love that God's placed in your heart
3) love me in a real, unconditional way, but strive more and more to be more after the God's heart
4) be an integral, not a derivative :P but for reals, being a man of integrity and of his word.
5) recognizes the talents God's placed in his heart, and just enjoys doing those things. there's nothing cooler than seeing someone live out what God's places in his life.
6) dance with me during worship, in church.. and well, anywhere :P no shame!
7) be able to be still with me, simply in awe of the amazement of what an Artist our God is.
six things i believe in
1) the reality of sin
2) a good, loving, merciful God despite our sin
4) justice... God's justice.
5) redemption on the Cross
6) the power of God working in those around me, and those back home in an everyday, real way.
five things im afraid of
1) not seeing my family come to know Christ
2) being comfortable
3) being afraid of God's gifts
4) drastic change in situations, relationships, and circumstance
5) spiritual warfare
four of my favorite items in my bedroom
1) my worn, navy blue leather bible
2) the teddy bear my grandpa gave me to comfort me while i was in china 'cause i was homesick.. 6 or 7 years ago?
3) my journal (and retired versions of such)
4) this picture i have of my mom, dad and i from waaaay back when... taken in canada, in this old worm frame i found when i was ten.
three things i do everyday
1) mess up.... then reminded of how big our God is :P
2) check the time
3) smile... laugh, dance, sneeze, hiccup, one of the above hehe
two things im trying not to do right now
2) focus on the micro and not macro
one person i want to see now
1) hmm.. well, you know the answer, right? =]
through the headphones
into our midst -- b.d.a.
take me away -- lifehouse
the shadow proves the sunshine -- switchfoot
prove me wrong -- caedmon's call
how i go -- yellowcard
fall -- kepano green
i can only imagine -- mercyme
marching bands of manhattan -- death cab for cutie
breathing -- lifehouse
the economy of mercy -- switchfoot
free -- ccc youth
fly -- jars of clay
spin -- lifehouse
gratitude -- nichole nordeman
love song for a savior -- jars of clay
over my head -- the fray
chasing after -- clear
landed -- ben folds
nothing without you -- bebo norman
three flights up -- yellowcard
michelangelo has been repeating these for the past week.
3.13 -- econ midterm, felly dinner
3.14 -- small group
3.15 -- physics quiz, astro midterm
3. 16 -- compsci prelim
3. 17 -- dragon day! (enginerds vs. archies)
3.18 -- 3.24 -- nycup
3.24 -- chill in the city w/john and simeon
3.24-3.26 -- crash @ simeon's
3.26 -- back to cornell.
two weeks of... surprises?
i wonder what You'll do these next two weeks.
"Don't look at your schedule. It'll just make you more apprehensive about the coming week." He always worried about her. The book that he bought her five months ago so she could be more organized was something that caused a certain level of discomfort in his gut.
"You know I can't just not look at it.... " she flipped the pages the 17th and recited the scribbles out loud. "I have to work on an Othello paper, then a MVC test. Oh, then dinner with Susie and Ellen... hmm, not bad for a Friday."
He stopped flipping through the shuffle on her iPod and raised his glance. "You forgot about small groups this friday..."
"Oh shoot. Can you hand me that green pen?" She furrowed her brow without looking up, flipping back and forth from the 17th to the 18th. "I guess I can work on my paper on Saturday..." She felt the pen being dropped into her outstretched hand, and haphazardly scratched out 'Othello paper.' The scratches and scribbles slowly faded with her musings, as the buzzing silence of her room became increasingly sharp.
He looked back down at the blinking screen. "Nothing. Let me see your schedule." She bit her lip and slowly closed the the pages. "Okay..." He held the worn out schedules in his hands. Hundreds of hours, planned out to the minute reigned over her life. With a sudden burst of disgust, he flung the book out the open window, watching the projectile disappear into the night sky. "You don't schedule God in."
The book landed outside with a soft thud. Its outline from her second story dorm lay like a broken snow angel in the freshly fallen snow. The howling wind from an impending winter storm claimed the book as its own, as it slowly disappeared under the swirling vortex of cold.
"... I can't believe you just did that."
There was a silenced air of disappointment surrounding his words. "Fine, whatever. Go fish it out then. Don't forget to pencil it in. 6:47 PM - Retrival of schedule from snow."
When that great thing happens.... you don't take the time to pencil it in. You let it happen.
"today's been kinda weird..."
"cause you don't have your watch on?"
it's been a bit disorienting today and yesterday without a watch. i think it forces me to either a) neurotically check my cell phone, clocks, and ask people for the time and come off as even more neurotic than i am now, or b) trust God that He has time in His hands.
i'm hoping the latter will happen.
... God, i want You to happen.