i was watching part of grey's tonight. it was the christmas episode, where alex has to retake his medical boards, and asks the other interns to help him. and most of them do, -- except for izzie. she caught alex with one of the nurses, after alex told her all these lovey-dovey things.

until this episode, where she sits down to help him, and starts to cry while she tries.

"... why are you helping me?"
" 'cause it's what JESUS would freakin' do."






hahahaha. i live in awkward land. i have a tent with toilet paper and canned food in awkward land. hahahaha.

it's interesting -- last night at the cubs game, we were discussing whether or not we prefer to err on the side of aggressiveness or passivity. top of the 6th, 1st and 2nd, 2 outs and a. pujols up to bat. we walked him. now, pujols has been 0-3 so far this game. even though we caught the next guy's pop up, it made me think. so i asked the two girls on my right if they'd rather for a guy in a relationship to err on the side of being too aggressive or being too pansy, and we all agreed that we preferred them to err on being too aggressive.

then i remarked how i felt like the guys at ccmc often erred on the side of being too pansy. and a.shen just nodded =P


all this soteriology talk lately has been making my head spin o_O it's kind of funny, 'cause i feel like with the type of thinking that theory and physics and engineering impounds into our undergraduate brains, it'd be only logical to be applying that to.. well, my spiritual life and theology, right? :P i think it'd been something that's been itching away at me for a while, and comes out every once in a while with God's grace. but usually i shut it up with my (less than holy) desires to want to maintain peace and not to argue about theology. although, admist this week and in the future, i still maintain my, theology is important but we shouldn't get caught up soley in the intellectual.

i emailed my pastor to get his thoughts. i'm excited for his reply :D

mmm... yeeah. this past week has been so good and focused and just, freeing. i hope this carries through the rest of the summer and into the school year too. (i'm already getting a ton of peer advising emails o_O only three more weeks, man.)




how many minutes it took to drive from mr. shoe's house to mine tonight.

but i guess things are a lot easier when you only had two red lights. 'cause you get to go a little faster, with a little more certainty and direction. it seems like it's human nature to want to go another route when we run into red lights in life.... oh how easy life is with the greens.....




*rubs temples*

my brain hurts. instead of going through eph. 3 like we were supposed to during college small group today, we ended up taking a delightful tangent on the authorship of sin, vincent, passive vs. active will, the validity of limited atonement, light cones, senses, and such. four hours of picking each others brains, (there only being three of us helped :D) on how exactly God is permeable outside of our space-time.

honestly though, this is the kind of spiritual meat i feel like we need to gnaw on more and more.

okay change of reading list. i'm gonna read authorship of sin. i can't wrap my tiny human brain around it o_O


i started to read again this weekend. i started Wait for Me, a book on purity in romantic relationships on Sunday and this book on prohecy and the end times (i'm halfway done with both of them). i think the book on end times is making me increasingly paranoid, aware, and observant of the things/people around me. it's interesting.




this long

climb on top of all you despise
it's a better view from the lies
two steps behind before I've begun
time stops to tell me all I could have done

and I'll say
how long till the word will be completed
how many times will history repeat it
how long will it take

how long
how long
I want to go
will You show me the way

I'd rather be wrong than be deceived
to thinking that I believe
that I can stand to be here on my own
there's too many questions that we won't ask
in hopes that this too will pass

but how far down do we have to go before we know it
how long till the word will be completed
how many times will history repeat it
how long will it take

how long
how long
how long will it take
how long till the word will be completed
how many times will history repeat it
how long till the words fall to the pages
how many times till all we can say is save us...




a few nights ago, i had a dream of what felt like.. judgement day and rapture.

at first i saw everything from a bird's eye view -- hundreds of thousands of people gathered, streets empty, houses abandoned, and people were shivering in sacks and burlap rags and dirty and scared. some were hiding in subway stations, but most in the open, waiting, watching.

then there was this huge bus pulling up in front of me. and as the doors opened, i saw people from my past -- starting from those i've recently met at cornell this year -- my suitemates, classmates, friends, ... who all didn't know Jesus. the first girl who came out was the girl who shared my wall for the single -- she was holding a picture of her boyfriend, completely oblivious to what was going around her. i tried calling out to her, but it seemed like even when the presence of the Lord was so imminent... she held on to the things of this world. the next girl who stepped out was the girl who lived down the hall -- she too, was clutching on to photos of her family, her artwork...

i remember feeling so distraught as i realized that none of them truly knew Christ and His saving power. and... who's fault was that..? =/

it reminded me of a few months ago, when i dreamt about demons spiritually and physically attacking my freshman class at school.

i think i had another one last night too. but i don't remember it.

man... my dreams are definitely less frequent than in the past. but they're more real. and vivid. and scary. kind of makes me wonder what's to come...


best friends

Hey Luke, it's me. I know I'm not supposed to be calling, but I am not doing really great right now, and - .. I was just wondering, if, do you remember in The Way We Were, how Katie and Hubbell broke up because his friends were joking and laughing, and the president had just died, and she yelled at them and he was mad and he was going out to Hollywood, and, I mean, which she hated, and he broke up with her and she was really upset. And she called him and asked him if he would come over and sit with her because he was her best friend and she needed her best friend, and he did. And they talked all night, and they went out to Hollywood, which was a disaster, but it was good at first. With the boat, and uh, putting the books away. I've seen this movie a lot, so if you don't remember the putting the books away scene, don't feel stupid or anything. I was just sitting here thinking about it, because I, um, I'm in my house, and I was just, uh ... -- Could - please come over. I - please. Really need to see you and talk to you, and please - come over. Please.... Come...

-- gilmore girls




one of the perks of driving around so much, (i.e. usually at least 2 hours a day) is exhausting the 13 gigs of music on michelangelo... -- until this morning, when i found him out of batteries 'cause i left him playing all night in the car (again). oops.

and since i was so fond of this song that was playing on the radio for the 1093th time, i rummaged around my car for a cd until i found a bright blue one hiding under my stack from last winter. it was a vicky beeching's yesterday, today and forever, a cd i hadn't bought or seen (though i have a guess as to how i got it... it's better left as a delightful suprise).

listening to the first song, (yesterday, today and forever) reminded me of onething. and God's love. and how He loves us, not our ministries. as i was telling a brother late last night about how lately i've just been so exhausted from running from work to accountability to small group to hangouts with high school friends to meetings to more meetings to large groups and ... o_O

He loves us. not our ministries. urgh =/

i think i'm holding out for more nights at the beach and just being or walking around riverwalk at midnight or sitting in the outfield of a baseball field or on the curb outside of a caribou coffee and just . . .

there were more of those moments last summer.

if (summer.2006 == just ministry) {
System.out.println("you're missing the point.")

// reminders of His relentless love for us are more than just a plastic yellow bracelet.



dusk and summer

dashboard confessional -- dusk and summer

something i read during lunch --

ps. 102
18 Let this be written for a future generation,
that a people not yet created may praise the LORD :
19 "The LORD looked down from his sanctuary on high,
from heaven he viewed the earth,
20 to hear the groans of the prisoners
and release those condemned to death."
21 So the name of the LORD will be declared in Zion
and his praise in Jerusalem
22 when the peoples and the kingdoms
assemble to worship the LORD.

i wonder what our generation will be known for. what kind of mark we'll leave.



hawaii, eh?

waiting in the inbox this morning --


We'll be having the CUSat 4th of July BBQ today @ 5pm @ Adam's apartment. He's got a swimming pool and will be playing the 'Spider' episode in the mini-series From the Earth to the Moon (a good comedy/inspiration for most aerospace engineers).

am i a nerd for wanting to be there and watch the mini-series? ehehe...

i left my nalgene bottle and cell phone at home today. i wonder which one i miss more.




i've been having very weird, very vivid dreams, with very real people in them lately, starting last friday night for the past few nights...... i have no idea what they mean.


i woke up this morning to the pattering of rain on my window and thought, i could go for some french toast this morning.

i think i'll make french toast.
sadly enough, it's been the most clear-cut decision i've made in the past week.

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