i wanted to be silent. this entire week felt like a little kid trying to get back on a bicycle after falling off for the first time and skinning her knee, trying to force myself to speak, be honest, be open . . and having it backfire miserably. after words pierce through the little hole of vulnerablity offered with shaking hands. after hearing that phrase i hate hearing so much... "that's just how it is." after feeling like i've fallen flat on my face time after time....
then tonight, when i fell asleep right before prom, i dreamt. i was attending what i assumed to be another church, another camp, but at the same place as the ccmc camps. the camp i was attending was downstairs. and at first it was quite similar... icebreakers, a speaker who gave a message, and then small groups and prayer.
except.. during prayer, i couldn't pray. i tried to open my mouth to pray, but nothing came out. my insides were burning with a passion to speak out praises and thanks and releasing things that have been burdening my heart... except they couldn't come out.
then i heard you guys upstairs. the music team warming up, the joyous chatter right before a message, the sounds and voices that had grown so familiar in my ears. i yearned to join you guys, to escape from this camp that now felt so fake, so desolute of any real meaning.
except... i couldn't stand. i was chained to the ground by my own silence. i looked around and realized i was stuck, with people who i realized were only praising on the outside.
i felt my insides well up with a sadness i didn't know was humanly possible - it felt like the holy spirit grieving for a loss i had yet to realize. i started sobbing... and as the tears and grief consumed me, i woke up. with ezra 3 echoing in my head.
13 No one could distinguish the sound of the shouts of joy from the sound of weeping, because the people made so much noise. And the sound was heard far away. - Ezra 3:13
... birth in me a hope to hold on, Dad. my insides are bursting and i'm realizing more and more that i can't run from the joyous noise that you've instilled in me...