what if,

every once in a while (especially when there are huge gatherings of them at u of i and they paste photos all over facebook), i wonder what it would have been like if i went to there. with the comfort zone.

and part of me wonders why i long for comfort so much. maybe it's because during high school, i didn't experience what God meant when he called his church one body until senior year. maybe it's because it's this ambiguous sort of home that we all have inside of us. maybe.

but i do wonder.

// what would it have been like?
i wouldn't have to worry about this urban planning burden, because i wouldn't have met charles or simeon who urged and prayed and showed patience and grace for me to go to new york. i wouldn't have have met joel, the first guy i met who was engineer turned staff worker. there wouldn't be problems within the sophomore class right now in terms of stepping up for the freshmen even though we're all so exhausted from serving because i'd probably be going to a ginormous fellowship where i'd be coddled for a good couple of years. i wouldn't have gotten so harshly rebuked by the people in my class both last year and this -- about how i often don't let people in close enough to hurt me.. or love me.. how i'm often too bitter to find hope in hope, how i'm way too insecure in who i am that i forget who God is in me.

i wouldn't be listening to my roommate warbling to ben folds right now.
i wouldn't be getting mad at praise team every week to have my patience tested -- to know that it's an intentional act of showing grace.
i wouldn't have spent all of yesterday cooking, leaving ice cream and butter on the ledge because we didn't have access to a fridge, or mashing and cutting for felly dinner.
i wouldn't have been with my former suitemate, chasing cans of cream of mushroom down the ECE hallways, cracking up from laughter, then seeing off to her sorority date night knowing i'd see her at church the next day.

it's hard to remember that God has us in such intentional circumstances in our lives for His intentions.

^ i'm most thankful for this one. i'm ridiculously thankful for this sg for being so patient and grace-extending and talkative (most of the time.. haha). for d. (hey.. we spell OG.. haha) and our 4+ hour long weekly conversations that were supposed to be about sg, but evolved into fellowship, social justice, and frolicking. for my freshman who hasn't grown up in the church and is refinding her faith.. and simply has no concept of this rigid church legalism that i have and teaches me what intentional community means.

at least this semester... this is why i'm here.

oh what the next will hold...

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