joyous noise

times of rejoicing

2008-11-20T00:01:00.002-06:00

sometimes even though i am physically clumsy

i feel like my soul is dancing with my Father

when i picture it, it's some sort of whimsical ballet

playing and reciting and smiling and humming along

toes pointed and fingers outstretched

no fear of falling in the strength of a Savior

and i open my eyes

and.... He is there still.

rejoicing over His own

as You sing over me...

2007-07-06T22:50:00.000-05:00

by 2008, i will have become a full-fledged cali girl.

.... i'm not ready to say goodbye yet, chicago..

goes on

2007-06-14T23:50:00.000-05:00

maybe it was the streets. or maybe the playlist. or maybe the driving. or maybe,...

who knows. but all those times, all those hours i spent driving home from naperville late at night, the same playlist, same songs spinning in michelangelo.. it provides some sort of thinking asylum that i can't even begin to explain. or tell how or why i miss it. but i do..

this place is full of emptiness. it's full of loneliness. it's full of misguided purpose and busyness and money, oh lots of money... and for some reasons, those slightly sped-on roads on the way from the heart of naperville, lw, or your house back to mine were more real than this city will ever be.

the streets in heaven

2007-06-07T10:49:00.000-05:00

so i've made it -- three days and counting into a world filled with six lane highways, albertsons and ralphs, and palm trees at every intersection. and (something i might be even more proud of) no accidents! after hearing all the hooplah about how LA drivers are crazy, i was slightly apprehensive about driving around. however, after three days, getting lost... 5? 6? times, i've made it out alive..

one thing you start to notice though, is the nature of the streets and drivers. socal drivers aren't necessarily mean -- they just have a destination and know they want to get there. there's very little sense of personal space and a multitude of lanes and exits to get you there.

... so this all got me thinking as i drove home (getting lost twice) from small group last night -- what will the streets be like in heaven? it can't be like it is in socal. it can't even be like what it is on the east coast; filled with ups and downs and hills and valleys. no, those we battled with on earth. the streets in heaven... they'll be like those in the midwest -- where drivers slow down to let you cut into their lanes, where every car has a space and a place to park (without paying money), where there's (almost) no rush to get anywhere because we... are there.

..... i can't wait to drive in heaven :D

tell the world

2007-05-31T01:02:00.000-05:00

don't want to stand here and shout Your praise
and walk away and forget Your Name
i'll stand for you if it's all I do
'cause there is none that compare to You

.
.

it's kind of sad how in one night, you can see those two extremes -- the hope that we hold in Jesus, and the selfishness and dirty nature of our souls desires.

// does the praising end when the music ends and lights turn on?

captured

2007-05-24T21:35:00.000-05:00

it's the moments, you know. i finally bought the nikon slr that i'd been thinking about since last summer. there's something about photography -- something that captures moments, thoughts, emotions, feelings, cliche to say the least, but snapshots of that hundredth of a second of a minute of a day that can never be recreated.

even though my old sony cybershot has well earned its use these past 3? 4? years, there's something superficial about digital photography. the instantaneous responses almost make moments trite and insignificant.

on the other hand, darkroom photography, you must work for. each carefully aimed shot, only one in thirty six can you can take, chosen with the perfect aperture and shutter speed and focus and lighting, then rewound into a tiny cylinder of unprocessed film, pried open in a bag only to be wound around that plastic spool into the light-sensitive container, taken out and poured in with processing chemicals, shaken, buffered, shaken again, processed once more, shaken, take out of the liquid and clamped down and dried, cut up and put into sleeves, examined, with one particular frame chosen to put under the enlarger, exposed at five second intervals, processed, gently slid up and down in the chemicals, with finally an exposure time chosen, with or without (most like, of course) the red filter, then exposed, splashed into processing chemicals, shifted up and down, buffered, then finally set, taken out, put under the dryer and out into the open air and light where finally you have a.... that moment.

... compared to digital.
where all you have to do
is point
and click.

maybe i'll take a photography class sometime at school.

stand

2007-05-23T23:30:00.000-05:00

stand when the lines are breaking
stand when my heart is aching
stand where You want me I'll be here

// stand, monday morning.

thought of the moment -- it's awfully lonely trying to stand on your own.

old

2007-05-22T23:20:00.000-05:00

three days. three days i've been back, and already all notions of second semester sophomore year being real and changing have washed away by the blinking lights of the intersection of 63rd and cass. i drove down 63rd at night with the windows down, blasting superchic(k) on shine.fm, waiting in the front of the same blinking intersection. (how many times have i driven down that road at night now? hundreds? ... )

maybe this is why home is so scary. it's where i've made mistakes. the football field where that night never should have happened. the house where we got into that fight and i started to cry. this and that and that and this and regrets, oh regrets...

more and more, i see the silent exodus. i see, and i wonder... am i any different? why have i stayed? is it because i sg-led? is it because i served every other sunday morning? what is it that keeps any of us walking (closely) to this faith?

when everyone else has left the battered cross as a trite decision of their pasts... what makes you stand?

//

she won't make a sound, alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down
she wants to be found, the only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down..

so stand in the rain
stand your ground
stand up when it's all crashing down

jet lag

2007-05-21T14:16:00.000-05:00

i've always wondered that it was that made traveling so tiring,... 'cause if you think about it, most of your time is spent doing things that would normally require minimal effort -- waiting, standing around, waiting, sitting down, waiting, dozing off. maybe it's physically moving from one place to another... maybe it's that sort of emotional upheaval that comes with it.

maybe it's just that -- the knowing that the familiar, the schedule, the waking up in the morning and knowing what your day looks like, the knowing who you'll see when and what you'll eat where.. maybe it's that kind of emotional security that you slowly leave faded away from the double layered glass of airplane seat.

.
.
.

sophomore year has ended. but sometimes it feels like i never left summer.

silence

2007-05-14T03:23:00.000-05:00

pitter patter, our footsteps
together they make the most wonderful melody,
down the steps and into the street and
they almost sound hollow
our footsteps, echoing in the depths of the night

pitter patter, our voices
caught somewhere between what could have
would have, should have been said
they scatter in that ambiguous
land of past and regret

and pitter patter we go,
one step forward, two steps
back, retreating back into a place
where there is only

silence.

for you to notice

2007-05-10T07:19:00.000-05:00

five hours before my first final, and unsurprisingly enough, i'm caught in a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions and realizations. is that even possible?... for summer to come exactly at the right and wrong time.

in exactly one day, i'll only have one final left of sophomore year. the semester has flown by and has been filled with the gospel of mark and campus on a hill and broken, so broken, so much hurt and confusion and small, so small, but so sure glimpses of hope beyond that.

in exactly one week, i'll be cramming for circuits, packing for the summer, rummaging through junk, donating books, clearing things out, wanting to start over, fresh starts -- how elusive you are...

in exactly one month, i'll be in el segundo, california. living a block away from venice beach in a ritzy, (mostly) all expenses paid for area of socal, with swimming pools and free wireless and cable and beaches and lattes. it's seductive, that lifestyle yknow.. funny, i want to lead a justice small group this fall when my summer seems the antithesis of it. maybe i'll go find kevin blue.

(i'm listening to chicago by sufjan stevens right now, and there's this one line, i make a lot of mistakes, i make a lot of mistakes...)

the summer seems so new. to a place with sunny skies and no name faces and a church that doesn't know your history. it's almost intoxicating...

ba da doo

2007-05-01T09:08:00.000-05:00

i've been lonely, i've been cheated

i've been misunderstood

i've been washed up, i've been put down

i've been told i'm no good

but with you i belong

because you helped me be strong

there's been a change in my life since you came along

today is may first. and.. in more ways than one, i feel like i'm staring at new beginnings. i think sometime in the past 24 hours, the reality that i'm going to be a junior slapped me in the face.

four more psets, one circuits lab report, one lit reading, two papers and three finals...

and then,..

trust me

2007-04-26T23:30:00.000-05:00

random thoughts --

there's often something about home i miss. i'm not sure what it is -- maybe the feeling of driving down familiar streets. the feeling of driving. familiar roads, faces, coffee places..

i wish i could be home just to have coffee with you when you're down.

there are days when i feel like i'm about to physically fall apart and break in half. today was one of those days.

there's so much of me i still hide from you. sometimes i don't think you know how much i appreciate your patience.

sometimes i don't sleep because i'm scared of what i'll end up dreaming.

second semester senior year, i went to the barnes on 75th street at least once a week just to be. i miss those times.

this semester has been a whirlwind of thoughts and events and people and places and sometimes i wish i could just...

old school

2007-04-25T18:33:00.000-05:00

please take away my life, when i don't have the strength
to give it away to You..

i think i've been as ... __ as i've been lately because i've stopped being angry. angry at how things are, angry with wanting things to be better, by not settling, by being okay with half baked ideas and ministries.

i've never swam the deepest ocean
but i've walked upon the raging sea...

when did it even happen? the lies i started to believe... this is how things are. you can't change it. your God can't change it. it's harder feeling victorious on this side of heaven. it's harder feeling like sin is defeated when it still wages war with your soul on a daily basis.

nothing compares to the greatness of knowing You, Lord...

things aren't the way they're supposed to be.
how foolish am i.

when i climb down the mountain, and get back to my life
i won't settle for ordinary things...

pick up

2007-04-23T08:50:00.000-05:00

you know what one of the best feelings in the world is? opening up a new tube of toothpaste and squeezing that first perfectly symmetrical, cylinder of paste onto your delightfully pink toothbrush.

.. the feeling that we have a Daddy who loves us for exactly who we are is pretty nice too =)

imagine

2007-04-17T13:38:00.000-05:00

"sometimes i'm just so sick of it all, y'know?"

"i can't even imagine what the must look like.. feel like. no more sorrow, no more pain, no more death... just jesus. we would never hear the words wake, or casket, or funeral again. those things simply just wouldn't make sense to us.... no more sorrow, pain, or death....."

"yeah... i know."

"sometimes i can't wait for heaven."

"don't say that just too soon... we have a long way to go."

// a convo with a sister from va.

cable car

2007-04-15T22:28:00.000-05:00

i'd rather run the other way than to stay and see the smoke and who's still standing when it clears...

tomorrow will be better. . .
(i hope).

over

2007-04-08T11:08:00.000-05:00

"So w... how are you feeling now that Easter's over?"

".... it's not really over, is it?"

//

while rereading some blog posts from this time last year... and this time two years ago... a part of me is somewhat amazed by how open/specific/intentional i was. a part of me wonders if i've really grown since then. a part of me wonders if i ever thought i'd be where i am now back then...

today is easter.
and,
as i'm reminded by pastor bob's sermon today
our God is a God of second chances
(or third, or fourth, or many, many more).

and He is the peace that calms our fears.

i fear ... ______.
but peace is strength in the midst of that.

Truly, truly, I say to you, you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn into joy. When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.

// john 16

try

2007-02-01T02:36:00.000-06:00

so i decided to give wordpress a try.
we'll see how it goes..

a king for a kingdom

2007-01-26T11:22:00.000-06:00

my first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man my first allegiance is not to democracy or blood it's to a king & a kingdom
// derek.webb

This semester's small group --

There are those days when you can almost see the tension between fallen and kingdom come. This week has been a montage of those days -- stuck between the disparity of this world and the divinity of His love. I think when it comes down to it, I just wanna see Jesus and know that He who has seen and felt what it feels like to be in the very presence of God,... would choose to come to a world of filth. I want to see a Jesus who loves us that much... I hope that's enough.

//

Yesterday, caught up with an friend who is set in her anti-God, anti-love, and anti-hope beliefs. And as we sat in the little cafe in the hotel on campus, we started talking about those things -- God, the existence of hope and truth in a world filled with logic and apathy. She asked me more how I am in theoretical physics and a Christian. Then, .. she asked me about the Comparative Lit. class I was in (the one with the crazed atheist professor). She asked if I thought my professor was wrong, and why I was staying. I confessed that I was scared out of my mind, but wanted to stay and hear what he had to teach and say. I started telling her about what I thought to be the sovereignty of God, that He exists even in the classroom at a university such as this. Then, she asked me this:

"W, how many people in your fellowship do you think would make the same decision you are?"

"... what decision? to stay in the class?"

"Yeah. Or even, how many Christians would? Not just stay in the class... but to put yourself in a place where your faith is challenged."

"Oh. Um... I don't know.. "

"'Cause you know... Christians like that? They expect us to listen to them. But they don't listen to us; they don't even know their own faiths. I've asked people questions before, and the answers are cop-out answers. Either, "Oh I'm new to the faith still," or a change of subject. So.. thanks for staying and listening."

.. it's funny how all the affirmation I needed was from this conversation.

because love is not against the law...

testing

2007-01-23T09:37:00.000-06:00

"If you are committed to your religion, I do not suggest taking this course."

Another late morning. Another late night where insomnia takes over -- times of prayer seem to get longer and longer into the late night hours as my wall of post-its grows. Lately I've been really burdened to pray very specific and intentional prayers -- specific people, specific requests, specific circumstances.

"This course is to teach you how to think. Education isn't bliss, ignorance is. The government wants you ignorant. The school systems want you ignorant. The state wants you ignorant. But most of all... religion wants you ignorant."

Last night, ended up intending to read Hebrews 1 and 2. Ended up reading 1 Timothy and didn't notice the difference until halfway through the first chapter. Felt stupid and slightly confused, frustrated that my mind was that spent from reading about the 123907 pages of circuits lecture notes assigned.

"We are here to be analytical. Take a look at Deut. 27. God is second-hand. He is being used as a play on the people of Israel's conscience so they will not commit sins in secret. There is no punishment because it is left up to 'God.'"

Up in the morning for 8:40 classes. Into the shower, out. Dry hair, toast bagel, brush teeth... (in a different order, I think.) Stuff binders and lab books into backpack, grab ipod and jewelry and shove into pocket.

"What is this God anyway? Why is there a human need for some sort of deity? Why is there even mention of him in the Bible -- a book, I must say, that we know absolutely nothing about."

Ran off to class. Lost coin, lost sheep, lost son,.... lost mitten.

"Any mention of God in the New Testament is a fabrication of the human mind."

Up the GS stairs, five minutes late to class, a 25+ class stares as I try to slip unnoticed through the door.

"God does not exist."

Sit down. Sip coffee. Slowly reach into pocket and take cross necklace out.
I'm good for today.

You are my GOD... early in the morning,
I will rise to meet You.. rise to meet You.

even in our classrooms, You invite us to come meet with You. what an interesting outcome of events and discussions this day has been.

repeat

2007-01-23T01:23:00.000-06:00

lately, something i've been thinking about about: one of pastor bob's catch phrases --

faith is spelled R I S K.

i challenge you today to pray something that only the Lord of the universe could answer :)

new

2007-01-21T00:24:00.000-06:00

It makes me sick that a few hours ago, I was ecstatic because I found a pair of GAP sandel heels for $4,... where halfway across the world, there are kids who have never seen a pair of shoes before in their lives -- and probably never will.

... it make me sick to the point where I felt suffocated in falling deeper and deeper into this world of junk that I felt overheated and ran into the bathroom to stick my head under the cold faucet and try to breathe.

....... only to feel guilty that I was wasting water where halfway across the world there is a shortage of clean water.

...

guilt is from satan.
conviction is from God.

.... hope is from God.

(now if i only believed that more).

something less

2007-01-19T01:52:00.000-06:00

And what would you intend to find?
Solitude?
Your peace of mind?
Holding out for something less
Than touching the hand of God?
-- better than ezra, closer.

i spent the last two hours sifting through photos from the past. it's kind of surreal -- every next click of the mouse brings back another smile, another memory, another part of the past. and these were the photos pre-anything -- pre-dating, (or psuedo-dating for our generation), pre-driving(.. pre-accidents), pre-drama, pre-church politics, pre-.... being jaded.

the time we went to navy pier over the summer just to sit on the concrete slabs and try to dip our toes into the lake. numerous trips to ice cream places, movies, lunches, chicago. retreats, planning, videos, skits, laughs, pranks, cakes, birthdays. dress-ups, games, dances, sleepovers, movies, ramen.

i'm starting to realize how precious youth group // high school years.

the other day i friended the girl who was my "big sister" summer before sophomore year. she baked me chocolate chip cookies and wrote bible verses on little slips of hello kitty paper. i have no idea where she is now.

.. and i keep thinking. why me? why out of the so many who were at youth group, camps, retreats, outreaches,.... why did so many of them leave? and why am i still here?

i don't really have an answer for that.

early

2007-01-18T16:20:00.000-06:00

"At the end of the day... will you feel better that you got your checklist of things to do all completed? Or.. that you invested in someone just a little more.. or deepened that relationship a little more?" -- a conversation while laying on the floor, staring at the ceiling, listening to sixpence none the richer.

At the beginning of last semester, at one of the large groups where we discussed our vision statement, I shared with my small group how I wanted to commit to getting to know the people on my floor and in my classes better. Unfortunately, that did not happen until now, haha... but I'm really thankful for the opportunity to do so now.

I've been meeting tons of people from my floor, (we have like, 6 new transfers) and people I just never talked to before... getting to know the people on satellite better... it's good. Something I'm realizing is that... a lot of people are just looking for people to listen to them. To hear what they have to say and what they're thinking and unsure about, and not, "Hey I'd love to chat but I have a pset due.." or, "Hey how are you? Good? Well my day sucked.." Intentional, intentional.

But yar. My past week has been mostly meeting/hanging out with hallmates, project team, running errands, and going through le book of Mark for sg. I am so in awe of how intentional Jesus is... it really encourages me to be more so with the people around me. Even in the calling of the disciples in Mark 1 and 2, He goes to the Sea of Galilee (think huge naval port) or the tax collector's booth (think tollways on 294) or directly to people's houses, while the Pharisees just sit on their behinds in the Synagogue waiting for people to come to them. Jesus rocks. I wanna be more like that :D

Haha so tonight... I can either,

1. Go to this bar in collegetown with my satellite buddies to say goodbye to this one guy who's moving in Cali for some high-paying job in space. Read: beer, burgers, and 60+ college kids in one bar.
2. Go to dinner with the people who are back from my hall and some fellowship kids. Read: lounging and crashing at a friend's apt from wings overload.

Hmm...

outpour

2007-01-17T10:30:00.000-06:00

Since I've moved back in my dorm, I keep having these incredibly vivid dreams of us having these magnificant fights. I remember locations and exactly what's said and the people who are involved.

They usually involve us crossing paths.
Then you give a bitter or sarcastic remark then walk away,
then I finally stop and ask you what your problem is.... (which I'd never do in real life).
Instead of bottling it up, you blow up and tell me you're mad/angry/jealous/bitter/unsettled at what I'm doing and not doing... (which you'd never do in real life).
I yell back that you're being unreasonable... (even though I know you're probably right), and to look at your own life and the problems you still struggle with.
And you try to defend yourself, .. (knowing that I'm probably right)
Then it ends. With both of us being frustrated and walking away from one another.

... and last night's ended with a flair -- you gave a rather loud "Shut Up!" and walked away after I accused you of something.

interesting.

raging

2007-01-16T01:11:00.000-06:00

On stormy days, we may wonder if it was such a good idea to live so close to the stream. We may even wish God would just leave us alone. Yet if the torrent sweeps away the things that are not spiritually rooted, then even that is a grace. Remember, the point of God's grace is not to be nice to us. Grace does what we cannot do for ourselves. It carries us home to God. Sometimes on a gentle stream. Sometimes on a raging river. Yet always back to God. -- M. Craig Barnes.

we hopped the fence down the path to the gorges by my dorm. it had just finished raining, so the river was raging -- crashing down the rocks, piercing its way through into the emptying lake. we stopped at a point near the bottom, right where we almost feel the water bouncing back from the rocks.

it was loud yet calm at the same time.
God kept whispering, This is what grace in your life looks like right now.

it's a raging river that tears apart all pride and rooted sin and filth.
but always back to Him.

2007-01-15T01:39:00.000-06:00

.... nehh

2007-01-13T21:42:00.000-06:00

dc: the only person who knows whether it's a cop out is you
dc: professional development is important
dc: it's just like school
dc: you're not directly serving God, but you're preparing yourself to
dc: and better an internship now and a career serving God
dc: than a short term missions trip just to make youself feel better and a career of greed
dc: (or status-seeking)

arrgh. words i needed to hear :( would i want to go on short term missions to alleviate my guilt, or to really serve God? (and it's not like i can't serve God through work.)

then later,

dc: or, maybe God wants you to be like tom lin
dc: and go on campus staff at cornell
dc: and then your parents disown you
dc: =P

book list 2007

2007-01-13T17:53:00.000-06:00

... so how'd fall 2006 classes go?

217// .. Okay so this class was really hard, haha. Second installment of the honors physics program, and I certainly was not ready. The only other schools who used the same textbook as we did were like, Berekeley and Stanford and MIT. My professor was a tad condescending, and whenever we asked questions would reply with, "I'm a physicist, not a mathematician," or my favorite, "You're in honors. If you wanted that done, you should've taken 213." Ouch. I'm actually retaking it again next semester as part of my affiliation, so maybe I'll like it better with a new professor :P

264// Mostly a programming class with incredibly long Monday night and Wed. labs. Programmed a ton of stuff using the oscilloscope, C++, thermistors, blah blah... the prof's were really nice though. I'm mostly glad I got this out of the way, haha. I napped a lot during lectures..

294// The last class I'll have with my non EP-kids :( Yeah this class was rough too... I napped a lot in this class too... I also ate lunch during this class a lot too, since I didn't have lunches on Wed. and Fridays. Hmm. Yeah.. at least I'm done with all my required math classes?

100 // Ahh I <3-ed this class. It was my Urban Planning class -- the professor was incredibly, smart, not afraid to stand up for what he believed in, and totally unlike most Eng. professors I know :P My TA tells me I'm really good at this stuff, so maybe it'll be something I do in the future too? We shall see..

490 // Special investigations. I'm starting my senior design project already with le satellite, and it's been really hard, but really interesting. You learn a lot about the general nature of people when you see them in a team setting so often :P

And this semester...

booklist//

Harper Collins Study Bible (NRSV). -- does anyone actually have a copy of this?
Vibrations and Waves
Introduction to Thermal Physics
Thermal Physics
Physics of Waves
Art of Electronics
Elements of Spacecraft Design

.. and a bunch of lab manuels I have to buy from the bookstore.

okay NON SCHOOL related stuff :D And I'm totally gonna finish them this semester too.

Practical Justice -- Kevin Blue makes me wanna move to the slums of LA and soap box evangelize.
The Good News about Injustice -- a friend kept talking about this book all semester and finally gave me a copy during break, so I guess I have to read it :P
.. the rest of the books I bought at Urbana :D
..... the books I said I was gonna read last semester but didn't finish :D (i.e. invitation to lead, searching for God knows what, etc...)

conditional affiliation

2007-01-11T09:48:00.000-06:00

Man, I think this whole past semester has been such a humbling experience. I feel like God's been shouting, "Yo... you're not all that. You don't even have the bag of chips. But guess what... I love you anyway :)" Through (failing) classes, having hard small groups, and just being doubtful of what I can do on my own ability anyway... sigh. God's so good :)

I got an email from the Engineering Department today that says I'm conditionally affiliated with AEP *grins* How Engineering works at my school is that once you get accepted into Engineering, you need to "apply" to a specific major -- for example, Chemical Eng. or Computer Science. You need certain grades and a certain GPA to make it, and they usually cut it at a certain number -- for my major, it's a B in all major classes and at least a B- overall average... for usually the top 40ish people (out of a class of 800+ o_O). And since I almost failed my last honors physics class, hahaha.... hah.. eh, I have to either retake the last honors class I took, or drop out of the honors class and take the next normal installment. I really like the honors curriculem, so I might just retake it again next semester.

But yeah... more and more, I'm seeing what a dark place it is in the deepest thoroughs of academia. So many of these guys have everything they ever could want... like Gerald's last msg at camp. I need be to be praying for them and spreading light. Already a few of them are like... "Dude how are you so full of life.. the rest of us are like, 'Gah this sucks, we're screwed, I hate myself'" =)

God's so gracious. Even this past semester, when I feel like I've just messed up so many times... needed to seek the forgiveness of others so many times... man. I'm feeling more okay that my parents forbade Missions this summer -- time to apply to other places now =/. But... I'm hoping to get a position in a metropolitan city (maybe Chicago?).

I'm seeing more and more than you don't need to be in "ministry" to do ministry.
and the presence of God doesn't leave just 'cause you left Urbana/OIL/wintercamp.

I need thee...
oh I need thee
every hour I need thee

the third

2007-01-10T18:11:00.000-06:00

These last few days have been pretty lab intensive. While in the clean room though, one of the guys dropped my camera and now the battery won't stay in. I'm thinking about about getting a new one.. a more old school one, and not these automated digital point and clicks that everyone has. I miss the feeling of actually developing photos and not just plugging in a usb cable and getting instant gratification.

It's been really good getting to know the people on my team though. I guess you have some sort of solidarity when you're stuck in the same lab for hours on end. They invited me to the Wed. night DT (I found out later this meant drinking team), which I respectfully declined on account of me not being old enough to even get into the bar :P. It's interesting though, seeing their personal quirks and dedication to a satellite -- which in all regards, is just a hunk of metal. I keep asking myself, What are you living for? when I'm in the lab... I hope the answer isn't that same hunk of metal.

I also found out that my Project Manager (aka guy who's in charge of the whole project, not just my team) is making $78K once he graduates. I find that sick, cause, 1. He's 22. and 2. It's almost $30K higher than the national average for a four-person family. I told someone about Urbana today and how God cares for suffering people around the world. He just nodded politely and kept wiping down the cleanroom tables.

Sigh. Third day, huh? Aside from some times of prayer and Word I've been forcing... literally, forcing myself into, I feel myself being consumed by this academic world. This thought popped into my head the other night while I was listening to the Urbana recording of I Need You.... that this Family, this home church I'm in is ridiculously messed up. I get frustrated at people, change I don't see, change I do see... as inevitably as people are probably frustrated at me and my idealistic brashness. There's drama left and right, from myself trying to align myself with people and really reconciling with key relationships around me... Even in our spiritual endeavors, our pettiness and self ambition seem to take over. And we tend to give up. I tend to give up.

It's hard realizing what a blessing this is. And last night? In the midst of sketching and reading about how Jesus loves little children... (quick flashback to WC'07, where during Ramen night some of the underclassmen girls sat around and picked my brain on heretics, end times, and spiritual attacks. they're so cute :D) .... I was really, really grateful for this Body.

Sigh. I wish I could go back sometimes. But here I am now.. in the middle of Camera Opportunities and Anti-collision software and circuits and cleanrooms and...

... this world has nothing for me...

It's so meaningless,
but yet, what am I living for..?

fight.

wilderness

2007-01-08T14:04:00.000-06:00

... and then Jesus prayed.

It's Jan. 8th, and I'm sitting in my dear friend Whitney's apartment, ready to make a run to the grocery store and then head over to lab to start working on the 1230947 pages of documentation that's due at the end of the month for le satellite. Two weeks of solitude either in this apartment, in the library, or at the lab since school doesn't start for another two weeks.

And before coming back, I caught myself thinking of what movies I should watch and what books to read or music to buy to occupy my time. Then, "...stupid. duh. read His word."

I'm constantly being reminded of the need and strength of prayer. Jesus went into the wilderness for 40 days to simply pray before the start of His ministry. And now, post-urbana, post-winter camp, all these convictions and new ideas and dreams and hopes are meshing in my brain for this next semester. A friend(?) started a sentence at camp with six of my favorite words -- What would it look like if...

... but to get there, what do we need now? prayerrr. Worrd.

........

Okay I'm a little scared, haha. And it's not like ithaca is exactly the wildnerness. But I feel like God's really challenging and pushing me with how I spend my time these next two weeks. Or more like He's saying, "PRAY WOMAN!" ahahah.. haha... heh, hmm. But yeah. For someone who's usually surrounded by people/events.... maybe this'll be a good change.

Ookay.
Day one.
Here we gooo.

// please tell me to pray and/or read and/or reflect if you see me. or feel free to call or drop an encouraging note :D

cover the earth

2007-01-07T09:13:00.000-06:00

Listening to: Cover the Earth, by Urbana06 Praise Team

Let the sound prepare the way...

Through this Christmas season, the words prepare the way keep ringing through my head. How John the Baptist would preach about preparing the way for the one to come, the Messiah, the redeemer. Not just on earth, but in our lives, our hearts, our minds, preparing the way for the one who is to come.

And now, after another (incredibly) challenging camp... I want that. I want to want to to badly it hurts, it aches when I'm still.

It means not judging. Bearing with the unbearable, those falling into sin over and over... and over again. Fighting for people through prayer and not these idles words I can muster. If we yell and rebuke without the power of God behind it, it is still possible to change people's minds... but only through guilt. I don't want to guilt people anymore. I want to see change and revolution. and I know my God is powerful enough.

A brother mentioned my six favorite words at this camp -- What would it look like if...

Let's keep dreaming and fight to cover the earth with the glory of our coming King :)

large bodies of water

2007-01-02T23:47:00.000-06:00

i was thinking the other day,
that i'd really like to live near a large body of water when i grow up.
there's something about sunrises and sunsets that give a person more precision in a blurry lifestyles we live today.

but that's so relative... isn't it? the concept of growing up. are we there? am i there? am i there as i sit here, wondering if things are changed, fixed, grown up from the past? wondering if God's really been healing and forgiving all of this stench and baggage i lug around?

i like sunsets and sunrises.
but sometimes i think i'm stuck between those beginnings and ends.

late

2007-01-01T22:56:00.000-06:00

late in the midnight hour.. God's gonna turn it around.....

'cause sometimes,
eleven comes before twelve.

ah, round two of this state-jumping finished.
urbana was wonderful(ly challenging).
off to power nap, then retrive cornellians from the train station, then... another camp.

woohoo.

closed doors

2006-12-19T01:26:00.000-06:00

Newark Liberty Int'l (EWR) to Chicago O'Hare International (ORD)
Departure (EWR): December 26, 12:40 PM EST
Arrival (ORD): December 26, 2:10 PM CST

hehe =]

12.20 -- 12.25 // florida with golfing brother
12.22 // fcr documentation due
12.26 // cornellians taste the midwest
12.27 -- 1.01 // urbana... this is gonna be crazy.
1.02 // cornellians leave
1.03 -- 1.06 // winter.camp
1.08 // return to ithaca

hm. i feel like i need preemptive sleep/energy/extrovertedness for this break o_O

happyness

2006-12-18T13:28:00.000-06:00

for my freshman writing seminar last year, i took a collaborative writing class that looked at a lot of democratic documents and the things they promise in the united states.... especially when society has evolved into what it is today. we looked at what this "american dream" looks like for the urban poor, for the marginalized, for the minorities.

last night, i watched the pursuit of happyness. and i thought about the same things.

for those of you who haven't heard of it, it's inspired by the life story of an african american man (played by will smith) chris gardner who's at a dead end sales job and is trying to support his son in the 1980's. but it's just that... a movie. when the lights turn back on at the end of those 114 minutes, we're still sitting in the middle of a mega-million dollar theatre in suburbia chicago, getting back in our SUV's to drive back to our safe neighborhoods.

i've never had to worry if i had somewhere to sleep at night. or food to eat the next day. or less than $21 in my total savings account.

*sigh*

are movies like this really a call to justice? or is it just a feel good movie that people can walk away from with some sort of false security that the system really works for the marginalized. for every success story we see, there are hundreds more that don't get out of the rut -- that end up working during the day and staying in shelters at night.

there's this one scene where one of the shelters that the main character and his son stay at is at a church. and he's hugging his son and worshipping while the choir is singing and swaying to the music and... i don't know. i wonder what he's thinking.. i wonder what anyone in that position would be thinking. "God, why'd this have to happen? God, why did my only son and i have to sleep on the floor of a men's bathroom in a subway station last night? God... where are you now?"

.
.

or maybe i'm just thinking too much and should shut up and start working on my air force documentation.

oh gizmo?

2006-12-16T00:09:00.001-06:00

http://www.ohgizmo.com/2006/12/06/ohgizmo-holiday-giveaway-1200-worth-of-stuff-and-counting/

free contest?

standard dev

2006-12-14T02:46:00.000-06:00

and now i'm officially a failure.
because i have to retake the math class i failed* this semester.

* = failing as in, i did slightly below mean. which means it's not good enough for my major. which means i either drop out of school and go bum on 115th street with charles, or... retake the class.

urgh.

don't panic!...

2006-12-11T23:21:00.000-06:00

two more.

i miss chicago..

// edit
in the past 60+ hours,
six cups of coffee,
two energy drinks,
four cups of tea,
six hours fo sleep,
one final paper,
and three finals,

... and i'm done!!....
k i'm gonna go crash now.

all these things i've done

2006-12-10T12:55:00.000-06:00

I wanna stand up, I wanna let go
You know, you know - no you don't, you don't
I wanna shine on in the hearts of men
I wanna mean it from the back of my broken hand
// the killers.

i just rewatched the latest invisible children podcast. it's ~~tugs~~ rips at my heart to see how this generation of kids can influence this world on an issue of social justice like the child abductions in uganda. and perhaps even more, why this christian generation isn't also at the forefronts of issues of justice given the fact that we know the hope that His coming kingdom provides. like k. prayed in sg a few months ago... hope without God is no hope at all.

we had this amazing message at church today about what emmanuel means, and how the concept of God being with us doesn't end when christmas does. that Jesus promises his spirit to us, who is still with us. and what it means to bring light to dark places.

which got me thinking... -- life in engineering physics is a pretty dark one. i mean, here are 40+ of the brightest kids in the nation using their brains busting out all these solutions to problems in engineering ... -- what would it look like to be working towards solutions in justice.

... or even more so, to bring a gospel of hope to the darkest areas of academia to press this generation to care.

here's a list of sites i started checking daily after last semester,
learn about what's going on in your world.

www.news.yahoo.com
www.sojo.org
www.hrw.org
www.invisiblechildren.com

angular momentum

2006-12-08T00:55:00.000-06:00

... i think it just hit that the semester's nearly over.

anyway,
songs that have been spinning all semester (subject to change).
dark blue // jack's mannequin
forget december // something corporate
bruised // jack's mannequin
joyful joyful // charlie hall
the stand // hillsong united
stars and boulevards // augustana
god of wrath // dcb
gravity // the fold
huo huan jian // jay chou (yeah.. the song from fearless. i know... its so addicting!)
a million ways // ok go
take me in // shane e.
oh my god // jars of clay

currently playing -- forget december on repeat.
// ...these words are tainted with years of jaded

me? uhh she did it.

2006-12-07T18:11:00.000-06:00

// a note to the XY's of our generation --

my good friend e. wrote something on xanga the other day that really resonated with me, and got me thinking about the roles of guys and girls in not only my own life, but in general. in short, earlier today, one of my oh so mature hallmates came into our room after the linear algebra final exam (which i might've just failed..) and shot a nerfgun at my head. so in turn, i took the gun and locked our door, causing him to make a ruckus in the hallway trying to get in. later, when the head RA comes in, he just gawks in the hallway and says nothing as i'm caught off guard fending questions as to why we were so loud during finals week.

i really do wonder if this is how God created xx/xy relations to be. sometimes i can't help but feeling tired of having to take the responsibility when sometimes all i want is for the guy to perhaps step it up and take the fall sometimes. it's an odd reversal of the roles that were suited for our original creation. maybe that's why those sappy movies appeal to so many girls where the guy is all valient and fights for the girl's honor and punches injustice in the face.

so xys. please step up? :/

.
.

anyway. the other day before primal prayz, i was invited to attend a coah (campus on a hill, an organization to unite all the fellowships on campus) meeting to plan for a campus-wide conference next semester about the sovereignty of God and the concept of His glory. it was literally so mindblowing -- sitting at a roundtable with 12 other leaders from the exec teams of the five major fellowships on this campus (and the pastor of the korean church.. it was like a united nations mtg haha) to try and cut out this half-baked sort of gospel that's been circulating on these grounds. in the 2+ hours we tried to map out the conference, we ended up going back to the idea of leaders repenting first -- of how the prophets would not only repent for their own sins, but those of the nation.

one of the passages we looked at was jer 2:13.

i wonder what it'd look like if we saw sin the way God sees it in the verses before that.

what if,

2006-12-04T02:06:00.000-06:00

every once in a while (especially when there are huge gatherings of them at u of i and they paste photos all over facebook), i wonder what it would have been like if i went to there. with the comfort zone.

and part of me wonders why i long for comfort so much. maybe it's because during high school, i didn't experience what God meant when he called his church one body until senior year. maybe it's because it's this ambiguous sort of home that we all have inside of us. maybe.

but i do wonder.

// what would it have been like?
i wouldn't have to worry about this urban planning burden, because i wouldn't have met charles or simeon who urged and prayed and showed patience and grace for me to go to new york. i wouldn't have have met joel, the first guy i met who was engineer turned staff worker. there wouldn't be problems within the sophomore class right now in terms of stepping up for the freshmen even though we're all so exhausted from serving because i'd probably be going to a ginormous fellowship where i'd be coddled for a good couple of years. i wouldn't have gotten so harshly rebuked by the people in my class both last year and this -- about how i often don't let people in close enough to hurt me.. or love me.. how i'm often too bitter to find hope in hope, how i'm way too insecure in who i am that i forget who God is in me.

i wouldn't be listening to my roommate warbling to ben folds right now.
i wouldn't be getting mad at praise team every week to have my patience tested -- to know that it's an intentional act of showing grace.
i wouldn't have spent all of yesterday cooking, leaving ice cream and butter on the ledge because we didn't have access to a fridge, or mashing and cutting for felly dinner.
i wouldn't have been with my former suitemate, chasing cans of cream of mushroom down the ECE hallways, cracking up from laughter, then seeing off to her sorority date night knowing i'd see her at church the next day.

it's hard to remember that God has us in such intentional circumstances in our lives for His intentions.

^ i'm most thankful for this one. i'm ridiculously thankful for this sg for being so patient and grace-extending and talkative (most of the time.. haha). for d. (hey.. we spell OG.. haha) and our 4+ hour long weekly conversations that were supposed to be about sg, but evolved into fellowship, social justice, and frolicking. for my freshman who hasn't grown up in the church and is refinding her faith.. and simply has no concept of this rigid church legalism that i have and teaches me what intentional community means.

at least this semester... this is why i'm here.

oh what the next will hold...

wearing thin

2006-12-01T01:41:00.000-06:00

you know those days where you feel like you can't say anything right to encourage the people around you, and the mistakes seem to pour out before you can stop or control yourself, and you end up bagging all of your self worth and curling up in bed trying to run away from the world?

weeks like these i feel about this . . . big.

obedience

2006-11-28T22:58:00.000-06:00

.. so when do you cross the line into disobeying parents because God's will clashes?

I turned my inner city missions app on Sunday. On Monday morning I got a personal email from the director of the national program saying that they got my application and references and everything looks good. They want me to come out to the site in either Chicago or New York, so I can shadow some of the staff there for a couple of days and get a feel for what kind of missions work they do on a daily basis.

... and man, I was ridiculously excited when I found out. I ended up leaping across Ho Plaza into Keith passing out quarter cards for his frat, ranting on and on about inner city missions, and being all grinny and silly during lunch w/krzt while planning sg filming. The site director from Chicago emailed me back later and said I could come in during spring break for a few days and work at one of the sites.

..... then I called my mom and told her, letting her know I might have to come back during spring break. And although she wasn't ecstatic about the idea when I told her earlier in the semester, she was okay with it.... until she realized that her daughter might actually be giving up that Boeing internship to work with spaceships and rockets to spend a summer in the slummy neighborhoods of Chicago playing with poor kids.

she wasn't very happy.

I just finished reading a chapter in Invitation to Lead about when to disobey parents when God's will for our future clearly clashes.... i dunno. I just never thought I'd have to be one of those families...

.
.

gaaahiwannadoinnercitymissionsbutihopeimnotjustbeingselfishandrash.. andmaybeishouldjustobeymyparentsbutithinkmyheartwillliterallyacheallsummerifidont...

stars and boulevards

2006-11-26T14:17:00.000-06:00

I spent most of Friday afternoon/night before dinner (mmm... Mongolian Hot Pot restaurant) chasing my five year old and nine year old cousins, and ten year old little brother around my uncle's house in Toronto, playing Big Trouble, Easy Bake Oven, Ten Minute Abs (okay so they wanted to do it.. they found it in my Aunt's room -_-), Monopoly, and other various games. While we were playing Monopoly, Andrew got a Get Out of Jail Free card. I mean.. they're just kids... so they were joking about it and making fun of Angie when she did get into jail, then got frustrated (like most five year olds would in her position) and went to go play with her Easy Bake Oven.

Today, I saw the same Get Out of Jail Free card plastered on the hallway of my dorm. Except this time, it's not a game -- it's a policy that my school has, that if you're intoxicated beyond reason and you're about to pass out/die, but you're scared of getting in trouble for underage drinking, you can call this number and get medical help without going to jail.

Real world, huh.

I also watched the Breakup tonight -- it was supposed to be a romantic comedy, I think, but I thought it was just really... sad =/ The plot's the basic relationship breaker -- the girl puts a lot of effort, the guy takes her for granted, she blows up at him, etc etc. And the whole time, they just can't tell each other how they really feel... the guy won't affirm the girl because of his pride, and the girl won't tell him how she really feels because she thinks he should know.

Oh this world... One relationship after another...

imagine

2006-11-18T10:40:00.000-06:00

I was listening to I Can Only Imagine by Mercyme on the way to class the other day, ... and this is one of my favorite songs because it reminds me so much of the battle already won, the day when there is no more death or crying or sickness or poverty or pain and there's just.. Him.

There are these lines in the beginning the say,

I can only imagine, what it will be like
when I walk by your side
I can only imagine, what my eyes will see
When your face is before me

... and I had this thought -- those who actually heard of and followed Jesus as lepers, as those who could not walk... will now be able to walk by His side. And, those who were blind, will be able to finally see their Savior..

.
.

sighs. I'm home(heaven)-sick =/

darkness

2006-11-09T08:24:00.000-06:00

Ten hours and counting for linear algebra.

One of my small group members told me yesterday over lunch that she really enjoys my small group because she's never before been in a small group where we focused so much on scripture and what God's Word says about things (read: she's a senior). It was quite surprising to me, 'cause... well, I guess I thought it was kind of, duh to focus on the bible during bible studies.

I love small group leading -- I'm thinking about leading again next semester. I love walking alongside people but I think I hate people. Does that make sense?

Last night while looking through notes and waiting for krzt to come down for our dinner date <3,>?" 'Cause seriously. These things are going to not just fade, but rot and smell and consume in the not so good way. How many of us, myself, whore after our studies and school and ivy league prestige?

.... I have so much more to say about this, but I think fear prevents me from letting the demanding, idealistic extremist side of me out.

..

Tomorrow, I'm going to Binghamton for an urban planning trip. I'll post pictures and stories later.

there's a light on, in chicago

2006-11-05T14:07:00.000-06:00

over winter break, i will actually be home (aka, suburbia chicawgo) for a total of four days. i'm not coming home for thanksgiving. i'm not coming back for spring break. and, if i get the internship(s?) i want next summer, i won't be home summertime either.

that's depressing.
... (no, not really, i might prefer it that way haha.. hah.. eh)

anyway, up for 6:30 course enroll tomorrow morning o_O i've pretty much planned my schedule (plus M&AE 490, and various meetings/sgs) out, but hey... we all know how often our own plans seem to determine the future =P

last friday at large group, d.s. came to speak about accountabity and community. how we've been failing one another as community. how when we talk about accountability, you're asking someone to make you the person they're accountable to, and that's just not true. there's listening, extension of prayer and grace... but people aren't accountable to us. we neither can condemn not judge them.

it really spoke into my heart about the type of intentional community that's been lacking in my life :/ the speaker also talked about necessity of true community -- how we so often use words like transparency -- but honestly, who wants that? "when we have transparency, we'll have an open community..." -- who wants someone to point out every sin they can see? who wants someone to poke around and judge and laugh at or ridicule? who really wants to be so intimate with someone else that the other person can see all of those things...?

talk about letting your guard down.

true community.
noone wants it.
we all need it.

hello november

2006-11-02T00:41:00.000-06:00

i'm taking my first urban planning trip next friday :) into a city that's maybe an hour or two away. and it's pretty small.

but it's okay. because it's a breath of fresh air compared to the kind of priorities that kids at college have.

i keep thinking about the kids. i keep thinking about arthur. i keep thinking about charles and how he's partnering with God right now on 115th street in harlem new york. i keep thinking about public schools and how they piss me off. i keep thinking about urban planners here who wear pearl earrings and talk about how "schools are made equal for everyone!"

.. i keep thinking about the kids.
and how i could never be satisfied with my life if i just became an engineer.

dedicate

2006-10-29T11:02:00.000-06:00

pastor bob spoke on 1 sam. 17 today, and how david steps up when noone else does. it was quite refreshing to hear, something i definitely needed to hear about future and career and all that jazz.

which gets me thinking --

do i take pride in my major,
or what God's going to do in my major?

oh heart of mine,

2006-10-28T16:35:00.000-05:00

..... come back home.

so lately i've been reading Invitation to Lead, a book for asian american leaders in our generation. there's this part where Paul writes about one of the co-authors of another AA-geared book, // how to follow jesus w/o dishonoring your parents// and how his parents were essentially so disappointed in his choice to join IV staff that his mom told him, "either you come home or i'm going to kill myself."

....

i wonder it feels like to be caught in a relationship like that. i wonder if that's what it feels like -- to be physically torn between passions and expectations and responsibilities. i wonder why it is that if money didn't matter, i'd probably transfer into urban planning in a heartbeat. but that means staying in school an extra year and a half. that's an extra $60,000. for an occupation i know my parents wouldn't approve of.

how do you define that, then? are those mistakes? does God allow for mistakes? maybe i'm seriously not cut out of this world of industry.

// for example, last week at my sub-team's progress weekly progress meeting (read: 15 coders, designers, and engineers sitting around a big conference table in the theory center) and i was explaining my GPS algorithm, i ended up saying -- "so far we can determine how many GPS satellites we have access to at a given time, inclination and altitude. but i haven't been able to calculate the usability of those satellites due to the interface from the ionospheric... ionophere." yep. professionalism at its best.

so...

sigh
*throws hands up in air*

i really don't know, hahahaha.
i wish we could just carve pumpkins and eat pie and drink cider and study revelation all day.

you're sick of running away

2006-10-27T01:30:00.000-05:00

... but even more, you're sick and tired of standing still.

//

i should be studying for my urban planning exam tomorrow morning. but it just seems like one of those nights.

... maybe it's because we don't look far enough into the future. so often, we forget to look towards HEAVEN... towards what lies at the end of this life. i keep listening to the words of Nothing Without You, and how we really have nothing without jesus...

maybe that's the reality of it. when it comes to our relationship with jesus, we have nothing to offer. i keep thinking about this one worship set during winter camp when i really wanted to go outside and be swept away by the rain... -- 1.9.06

great jorb!

2006-10-21T15:13:00.000-05:00

there are 1209473 times day when i think to myself, great job w. great job, fellowship. great job, church. *thumbs up!*

... har har har.

i need more thoughts of, good job Daddy... (He's the only one who can get us out of this sick cycle carousel.)

a father who runs

2006-10-18T02:01:00.000-05:00

this has been something gracing my heart lately. this concept of radical grace that us in asian american communities rarely, if ever experience -- the love of a father who runs.

The massive Rembrandt measures over eight and a half feet tall and six and a half feet wide, compelling viewers with a larger than life scene. The Return of the Prodigal Son hangs on the walls of the St. Petersburg Hermitage Museum depicting Christian mercy, according to one curator, as if it were Rembrandt's last "spiritual testament to the world." Fittingly, it is one of the last paintings the artist ever completed and remains one of his most loved works.

The painting depicts the reunion of the wayward son and the waiting father as told in the Gospel of Luke. The elderly father is shown leaning in an embrace of his kneeling son in ragged shoes and torn clothes. With his back toward us, the son faces the father, his head bowed in regret. Clearly, it is the father Rembrandt wants us most to see. The aged man reaches out with both hands, his eyes on the son, his entire body inclining toward him.

It is understandable that viewers have spent hours looking at this solemn reflection of mercy and homecoming. The artist slows our restless minds to a scene where the parable's characters are powerfully at rest. The kneeling son leans silently toward the father; the father calmly and tenderly leans toward the son. But in fact, this is far from the scene Jesus portrays in the parable itself.

The parable of the prodigal son is far from restful, and the father within it is anything but calm in his embrace of the wayward son. Jesus tells us that while the son was "still a long way off," the father saw him and "was filled with compassion for him" (Luke 15:20). Literally, this father was moved by his compassion. The Greek word conveys an inward movement of concern and mercy, but this man was also clearly moved outwardly. The text is full of dramatic action. The father runs to the son, embraces him (literally, "falls upon his neck"), and kisses him. Unlike the depiction of Rembrandt, Jesus describes a scene far more abrupt and shocking. It is not the son who we find kneeling in this picture, but the father. The characters are not at rest but in radical motion. The father who runs to his wayward son runs without any assurance of repentance; he runs without any promise that the son is even home to stay.

There is a line in Jewish tradition that would likely have entered the minds of the first hearers of this parable. According to ancient thought, the manner of a man''s walk "shows what he is."(1) Dignified men in this ancient culture simply did not run. In order to do so, long robes would have had to be lifted up, exposing the legs, which was inherently shameful. And yet, this father runs to the son who blatantly disrespected him, and hurriedly embraces the one who once disowned him. This man's "walk" shows a substance that is nothing less than staggering. All measures of decorum, all levels of expectation are simply shattered by this father\'s love. It would no doubt have been a disruptive picture for the audience who first heard the parable; it remains a disruptive picture today.

The portrait Jesus offers of our Father in heaven is one of action and immediacy. The image of any father running to meet the child who had made a mess of her life is compelling. But that it was so outlandish in this ancient context makes this depiction of his love all the more stirring. It brings to the forefront an image of God as one who is willing to embrace shame on our account. It brings to mind the image of a Son who endured the cross, scorning its shame, that we would not grow weary and lose heart.

God is moving toward us with a walk that thoroughly counters any thought of a distant and absent Father and boldly confronts any move away from Him. In his radical approach of our hearts, the Father reveals who He is. However far we wander, the God who laments even one lost soul is waiting and ready for our return. More than this, He is the Father who runs to close the distance.

content much?

2006-10-14T00:34:00.000-05:00

note: none of these are condemnations -- most are random thoughts, most of which i've done before too.

//

Why is it okay to invite that friend to fellowship next week 'cause that's a better time for him/her to come? (how many next weeks will there be?)
Why is it okay to cheat off of homework so readily at a school we're paying basically $1,000 per credit for?
Why is it okay for people to be so darn indecisive?
Why is it okay for so called "godly" men so have it all together spiritually, mentally, physically... but oh right, add girls to the picture and their emotional states are toxic dumps. (Think the air above North Korea right now... actually this is something that personally really ticks me off. I mean the "godly man" facade. But nuclear war would tick me off too...)
Why is it okay for people to just up and leave churches, communities, because of a falling out with an (in)significant other?

Hmmm...

So there's this line from Love is the Reversal from Starfield's newest Cd... and for some reason, I always thought this was one of those upbeat, happy songs. Then this morning I listened more closely... and --

Welcome to the world wide train wreck...

Hahahaha -- in the ironic way. Do you ever see just so much wreckage around you (both physically and in other arenas) that you start laughing?

Yeah, nothing is as good as it should be, 'cause this is the rehearsal
Yeah, in between the was and the could be, love is the reversal

growing old

2006-10-06T23:29:00.000-05:00

"it's a little surreal with you being back... part of me feels like it's summer again." -- j.

i definitely feel you there -- i think part of me would think that it'd be summer again. hanging out in naperville til the wee hours of the morning, random visits to the city after large group, loitering in mcdonalds parking lots until people would honk at us.

but it's not, is it? we're all growing old now, doing our own thang, at our own schools. it's odd seeing people you've grown up with, served together with for so long move on to leading small groups, worship, serving on exec, (dating o_O) on their own campuses. i guess it's sad in a way, knowing i probably won't be here next summer for 724... but in a way it's release for me too. helps to know that we're all moving on, moving forward, chugging forward...

i was watching coach carter with my mom tonight, (before she fell asleep hah hah..) and for some reason, there was this scene where the coach asks the team to look at their own lives. and their parents' lives. and asked them if they wanted better than that. and that really reminded me of the one night in the bronx where we spent the night in the homeless shelter @ st. georges, only to tutor and play with kids the next morning. in the back of my mind, these thoughts of, "how many of these kids will end up in that homeless shelter one day..."

we really are all wired for different things. sometimes you just miss when you were all on one circuit board...

first

2006-10-01T18:19:00.000-05:00

//so i hear it's october first...

anyway, the other day i was seeking refuge in big red barn from the rain (trying to study for linear algebra prelim, but to no avail ._.) while i realized that every thursday is international coffee hour. it's an afternoon where all the international students can come and socialize, drink free coffee, eat free food, and just be, away from all their studies and whatnot.

so while drinking my free coffee and eating my free food and doing practice prelims, these two chinese grad students asked (in mandarin) if they could sit with me. i said yes, and we started chatting a bit. then one of them asked (once again in mandarin),

"so did you fly directly from china here to go to school?"

which at this point, i simply laughed and explained that i was from chicago.

but times like that, (including last night with my roommate and i watched Jet Li's Fearless) when i'm particularly blessed that God made me the ethnicity and culture i am.

seasonal

2006-09-30T09:20:00.000-05:00

http://www.csm.org/seasonal.php

i'm ridiculously in love with this internship already.
(byebye nasa, dept. of defense, lockheed, boeing and raytheon..)

... now to apply ._.

swiss rolls

2006-09-26T21:38:00.000-05:00

and then your vision shifts a little. and you see... just how sinful sin really is.

finding rest in swiss rolls...

i dont think i've ever realized how scary it is to get to know someone new until this year. so many ghosts in my own closet -- so many to find out. what is your past? why did you come to this school, this place, this church? are you normally a sketchy person? what kind of coffee do you drink? what's playing on your ipod? what do you read before you go to bed?

... (and quite possibly the most important question of all),

can you handle the demons i carry?

... (i think i'm so so careful now. i guess i have you to thank for that.)

// this is what tomorrow looks like --
7:30 - 9:00 -- CU on the quad -- (cornell's SYATP) // AH i slept through my two alarm clocks :(
10:10-11:00 -- 217 // class...
11:15-12:05 -- urban planning midterm // i liked :)
12:10-1:10 -- 294 // i remember eating lunch during class...
1:30-4:30 -- 264 lab // so long. ran til 5:30 ><
4:30-5:30 -- prayer mtg // skipped b/c of aforementioned lab

7:30-10:00 -- small group // :)
10:15 -- til done -- progress report writeup w/group. //eh...

and now, i'm home. to study lin. alg. boo.

good monsters

2006-09-25T00:24:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I cannot forgive
And these days, mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep
While I lay, I dream we're better,
Scales were gone and faces lighter
When we wake, we hate our brother
We still move to hurt each other
Sometimes I can close my eyes,
And all the fear that keeps me silent falls below my heavy breathing,
What makes me so badly bent?
We all have a chance to murder
We all feel the need for wonder
We still want to be reminded that the pain is worth the thunder

// oh my god, jars of clay.

"this song is so.. desperate."

-- is this how desperate we are?

-- i've been thinking a lot about shame. How d.choi spoke about the gospel of shame, how all throughout Lk.15, the father is the one who shames himself on behalf of his sons -- the older and the younger. How this gospel, this truth that we base our lives off of -- how can it be so easy.. to be ashamed of jesus.

-- there's this man who roams around the streets of collegetown. i think he's homeless. i've said hi to him a few times. what's so scary about engaging in real conversation?

-- apartment hunting is hard. i feel like i'm growing up too fast.

-- home in a week and a half. ..

-- i think i'm a love me/respect me. if i could vent to someone everytime i was angered/frustrated/pissed off, he/she'd think i had anger management problems and send me straight to therapy.

-- jacob didn't wrestle with God to get something out of him. he wrestled with God to God could get something into jacob.

-- .... i need to see a bigger picture.

one sheet of paper

2006-09-19T22:24:00.000-05:00

... determines whether or not some people are employed or not this time next year.

Yep -- Career Day has rolled around, and it has changed the usual slightly frantic, crazed college student into the ridiculously frantic, crazed college student looking for prospective jobs. It's almost funny seeing college kids camping out in computer labs, perfecting their resumes, buying out the Cornell store for that University embossed folder and shiny pen, laying out the nice black pants and white collared shirts to impress recruiters from the bigshot companies (i.e. from IBM, Lockheed Martin, GE, the CIA, to places like Kraft foods, the Gap, and Bloomingdales).

But it's one sheet of paper. One. Where we cram all of our achievements and hide our blemishes and try to impress and lose... focus.

This whole night, I've been blargh and debating on whether or not to do the whole shenanigan and spiff up my resume and all this stuff.

... and no, I won't.

I'm sick of this status quo stuff. I'm tired of us in September, (read: summer has barely finished, and we're looking for internships for the next) trying to get these people to like us based off of one piece of paper.

I asked my friend on Monday if she thought I was cut out to be an engineer. She told me she doesn't think I'm only going to be an engineer, and I know that too. And that's why I'm doing things like taking urban planning.

Part of me feels like.. what if I'm just going through a phase, and I'll regret not doing this later....
But part of me is like... what if I'm just not strong enough in my conviction to do something apart from the status quo?

like jacob

2006-09-17T21:12:00.000-05:00

ps. 13.

i don't know how long the break between v. 4 and v. 5.... but i'm currently stuck at verses 1-4.

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?

-- what's this generation known for?
jobs, internships, prestigious jobs, 401k, ivy league. superficial. raucous. jerks. apathetic about everything and anything but ourselves.

-- what's this christian generation look like?
.
.
the same...?

and yes. i know if i were to vocalize this to any one "rational christian," i'd get the well documented "we have hope in Christ who died for our sins," blah blah blah. screw that. do we LIVE like that? are we doers of love and mercy and joy and truth like James presses us to be? 'cause if we are, i'm not seeing that. i'm not seeing a transformed hope. i'm seeing the same people, same students, condemened to this sin that we can't shake.

i have such an absence of hope for this campus, for this generation. i remember attending a women's bible study back over winter break and walking away so disappointed because they just shared about the same things that high schoolers struggled with -- job, money, apartment.

where do we get a grip that it's not about us anymore?

i guess we don't.

even ninevah couldn't do it. nahum documents it. they fell to sin.

we fall to sin.

God i just want to wrestle with You right now for some hope, some little HOPE that this campus and this fellowship is still under your reign and somehow, through these freakin' sinful people like myself You can do something to bring yourself glory.

show me.

off brand

2006-09-11T22:25:00.000-05:00

i'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold...

in my city and regional planning class, we've been dissecting the city in terms of social, economical, and political construct. so, in the first weeks of class, we've been talking about race and socioeconomic classes and what it means to be racist and what social constructs exist in the city and the meaning of the ghetto and inequity of schools and all this stuff..

.. but something feels off.
sitting in a nice architecture building in the arts quad of an ivy league. picking apart the inner city by what we label as race and economic class.

.
.

i wonder how many of us have ever experienced it. been in a latino neighborhood where people breathe out slurs if you're not from the area. sat blankly, not knowing what to say when an eight year old child talks about what it means not to have a dad anymore. stare at the faces of children who still associate race with the colors in their crayola -- no, off-brand -- crayon boxes.

it's off because we, i, have no idea what we're talking about unless we've experienced it.

"cornell is a ticket to the upper middle class," says my crp prof.
what are we going to do with that?

5:6

2006-09-10T11:12:00.000-05:00

something's happening on campus.
something's stirring.
we're not settling for the sunday school faith anymore. digging deeper into what being a follower of christ really means. we're pushing, and stretching, and..

well. newton's laws of motion, right? with every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
and i'm already feeling the effects of it.

listening to lies that i spur on, that i'm captive to sin and there's no redemption for someone as dirty as me. feeling and seeing the consequences of sin as i snap at those around me and see the ugliness seep through my christianese exterior.

i often underestimate sin.
i often underestimate my God too.

.
.

serving at church this morning reminded me of how much love God has for his church, his people. and how when we are in the midst of pushing, of not settling or being comfortable w/the status quo, there are going to be things pushing back. lies, discouragements, arguments, things to deter us from seeking his kingdom.

i believed them.... sometimes i think i still do.
but it's in these moments of seemingly fleeting clarity. when He simply says, i love you. that it's enough.

// pressin' on.

chained

2006-09-07T22:14:00.000-05:00

there are days when i feel so disgustingly, incredibly, sickeningly, chained to sin.

today is one of those days.

.
.
.

sdfuhaosidfho;f
idontknowwhati'mdoinganymore

roads

2006-09-07T00:02:00.000-05:00

there are those moments.
you know,
the ones that surpass time, space, .. reality, really.

i miss driving now that i'm land-locked on campus. those late nights, driving back from a friend's house, starbucks, church, anywhere but home. anywhere without a destination. nights just to drive.

and those were the moments. the humming of the engine below your comfortably worn leather seat. your open toes pressing against the acceleration pedal. the cool night breeze floating through the crevice in the window. and michelangelo serenading the mellow playlist.

i'm not sure how many hours i've wound up driving home like that. the same roads. naper to 63. 63 to cass. cass to 59. 59 to wilmette. repeat night after night. but it was so comfortable. the night roads were so comfortable.

there are those moments....
you know,..
do you know where they've gone?

//

and we wait above a road.
we're turning to go home.
and the silence from the side of the car
tells me everything and how we are.
'cause there's no more trying to make this so right,
there's no more trying tonight.

damascus

2006-09-03T11:36:00.000-05:00

take me back
into the last place i go
murderer.
breathe them out
hiding behind smug smiles
and content cackles of security
of the world as i know it.

it takes me back
beyond the blurry visions of this horizon
falling into a sanctuary of burying
the past behind the lights of
hope surrounding
breathe them out
breathe You in.

You take me back
and my eyes, what do they see now?
on that dirty, narrow road
and the men who walked it,
finally gasping and reaching and despairing
for truth.
chosen. fearless.

take me back again
to damascus.

//

9.18 -- immediately, something like scales fell from Saul's eyes, and he could see again...

crown of scars

2006-08-30T00:41:00.000-05:00

forget about the fight to wear the crown of scars
cause you've already won
forget the pain and leave the tears behind you
bury underneath your feet the remains of what's been left behind
cause you have got a long
long way to run

but now you dance the rest of the way
and you don't look back
can you hear that angel singing as you rise
now you fly away and you don't look down now
and you laugh till you can't laugh any longer
as you watch your chains fall to the ground

// lifehouse, crown of scars.

so the bulk of school has already started. my mondays, wednesdays and fridays are packed with lectures and labs and meetings and things that make hiding under the covers very tempting. but tues and thurs mornings i have free (to be).

random thought -- i think i take community for granted sometimes. okay, a lot of the time. at least i have people to bicker with and make fun of and hug..

.
.
there's a lot to pray for.

fret

2006-08-28T23:52:00.000-05:00

i had this thought tonight, that i would be graduating from the #1 applied and engineering physics school in the united states with my master's degree with only one extra semester of schooling, possiblyto go into two years of teaching in the inner city. i'd be making less a year than how much i paid for cornell in a year. i'd go from doing mission reports and using lorentz transformations in electrodynamics to explaining how gravity worked to elementary school kids.

would it be worth it?
heck yeah.

i'm itching for the "real school year" to start.
and waiting for something to click and make sense.
and wanting to do something more real than what i'm doing now.
and thinking about going overseas next summer.
and wishing that i could have the best of both worlds, home and here.

some things i've been thinking/praying over -- how hard it is for those on missions this summer to come back to a cultural, materialistic, blech sort of campus // applying to teach in inner city nyc or philly next summer for 6 weeks // signing up for vset or something similar next summer // the small group i'm leading this semester on foundations, theologically conservatism and cultural liberalism // why mr. grudem has not come in the mail yet // et cetera...

hmm
i should get back to gauss jordan elimination...

re: numb

2006-08-21T12:58:00.000-05:00

when did i stop feeling?

the heart breaking makes a sound...

book list

2006-08-16T10:40:00.000-05:00

reading list for next year:

Labview for Everyone
Electricity and Magnetism (Berkeley Physics V.2)
Astronomy: A Physical Perspective
Linear Algebra with Applications
The Great American Job Scam: Corporate Tax Dodging and the Myth of Job Creation
The City Reader
Magical Urbanism Latinos Reinvent the US Big City
Cities and the Creative Class

//

Whatever Happened to the Gospel of Grace: Recovering the Doctrines That Shook the World
Systematic Theology (Grudem... *shivers*)
Desiring God
OT! (w/my lovely roommate)

*rubs eyes*
o_o

process

2006-08-06T23:00:00.000-05:00

from an anonymous note --
W --
I hope and pray that you are finding the time to process, to heal, to forgive, and to move on.

*nods*

camp felt like all the pieces are slightly worn and someone spilled coffee on the front box of a thousand piece puzzle. it felt so fuzzy yet precise. so planned yet spontaneous. so joyful yet so... ____.

i feel like things are clearer and simpler now. thanks much to the company of friends are willing to walk alongside.

meetings of prayer

2006-08-01T22:48:00.000-05:00

w: are you going to prayer mtg
J: yeah
J: i suppose in a little bit
J: i'm just taking a bit of a breather
w: haha
w: mm
w: i know how that feels.
J: hmm
J: yeup
w: summer is suffocating
J: that's kind of sad huh?
w: *nods*

i think tonight was the best prayer meeting i'd been to all summer. and we didn't even make it past the stairwell.

While they were still talking about this, Jesus himself stood among them and said to them, "Peace be with you." They were startled and frightened, thinking they saw a ghost. He said to them, "Why are you troubled, and why do doubts rise in your minds? Look at my hands and my feet. It is I myself! Touch me and see; a ghost does not have flesh and bones, as you see I have." -- luke 36-39

eighth

2006-08-01T10:08:00.000-05:00

lately, i've been chilling a lot at the danada starbucks during my lunch breaks -- reading, journalling, praying, etc. and i always wonder whether or not i should talk to the people sitting next to me. i mean, it's kind of obvious that i'm reading the bible, and i usually have a max lucado book or my wonderful eschatology book with me.

i had a dream last night that i didn't remember until i heard this one song on the radio. i felt like someone was showing me a video clip of what could've happened in a starbucks if i did talk to the guy next to me about a man named Jesus.

then the clip stopped. and someone asked me what i was afraid of.

then i woke up.

what are you afraid of?

anyway. it's the eighth month. and while we have things to look forward to, -- summer camp, last large group, a few more outings, etc.. -- i'm really, really looking forward to leaving this place (again) and having another Home to look forward to. i miss school. i miss getting bubbles! at 3:00 am and trying to trek home from the engineering library in the rain and korean bbq at brian's and falling asleep during einstein's relativity proofs then cramming for the psets the night before and drinking lots, and lots of sobe energies and coffee to stay awake but crashing around 3 am... sigh. i miss all of that. 'cause like what sarah posted on her xanga, maybe we prefer academic stress to emotional stress.

oh well. two more weeks, and i'm outta here.

truth.

2006-07-30T22:09:00.000-05:00

i was watching part of grey's tonight. it was the christmas episode, where alex has to retake his medical boards, and asks the other interns to help him. and most of them do, -- except for izzie. she caught alex with one of the nurses, after alex told her all these lovey-dovey things.

until this episode, where she sits down to help him, and starts to cry while she tries.

"... why are you helping me?"
" 'cause it's what JESUS would freakin' do."

truth.

mhmm

2006-07-28T11:34:00.000-05:00

http://www.xanga.com/DefineTheRelationship/499729702/item.html

hahahaha. i live in awkward land. i have a tent with toilet paper and canned food in awkward land. hahahaha.

it's interesting -- last night at the cubs game, we were discussing whether or not we prefer to err on the side of aggressiveness or passivity. top of the 6th, 1st and 2nd, 2 outs and a. pujols up to bat. we walked him. now, pujols has been 0-3 so far this game. even though we caught the next guy's pop up, it made me think. so i asked the two girls on my right if they'd rather for a guy in a relationship to err on the side of being too aggressive or being too pansy, and we all agreed that we preferred them to err on being too aggressive.

then i remarked how i felt like the guys at ccmc often erred on the side of being too pansy. and a.shen just nodded =P

anyhoo,

all this soteriology talk lately has been making my head spin o_O it's kind of funny, 'cause i feel like with the type of thinking that theory and physics and engineering impounds into our undergraduate brains, it'd be only logical to be applying that to.. well, my spiritual life and theology, right? :P i think it'd been something that's been itching away at me for a while, and comes out every once in a while with God's grace. but usually i shut it up with my (less than holy) desires to want to maintain peace and not to argue about theology. although, admist this week and in the future, i still maintain my, theology is important but we shouldn't get caught up soley in the intellectual.

i emailed my pastor to get his thoughts. i'm excited for his reply :D

mmm... yeeah. this past week has been so good and focused and just, freeing. i hope this carries through the rest of the summer and into the school year too. (i'm already getting a ton of peer advising emails o_O only three more weeks, man.)

twelve

2006-07-26T00:29:00.000-05:00

how many minutes it took to drive from mr. shoe's house to mine tonight.

but i guess things are a lot easier when you only had two red lights. 'cause you get to go a little faster, with a little more certainty and direction. it seems like it's human nature to want to go another route when we run into red lights in life.... oh how easy life is with the greens.....

authorship

2006-07-25T01:14:00.000-05:00

*rubs temples*

my brain hurts. instead of going through eph. 3 like we were supposed to during college small group today, we ended up taking a delightful tangent on the authorship of sin, vincent, passive vs. active will, the validity of limited atonement, light cones, senses, and such. four hours of picking each others brains, (there only being three of us helped :D) on how exactly God is permeable outside of our space-time.

honestly though, this is the kind of spiritual meat i feel like we need to gnaw on more and more.

hmmm...
okay change of reading list. i'm gonna read authorship of sin. i can't wrap my tiny human brain around it o_O

2006-07-17T14:01:00.000-05:00

i started to read again this weekend. i started Wait for Me, a book on purity in romantic relationships on Sunday and this book on prohecy and the end times (i'm halfway done with both of them). i think the book on end times is making me increasingly paranoid, aware, and observant of the things/people around me. it's interesting.

hm...

this long

2006-07-15T02:06:00.000-05:00

climb on top of all you despise
it's a better view from the lies
two steps behind before I've begun
time stops to tell me all I could have done

and I'll say
how long till the word will be completed
how many times will history repeat it
how long will it take

how long
how long
I want to go
will You show me the way

I'd rather be wrong than be deceived
to thinking that I believe
that I can stand to be here on my own
there's too many questions that we won't ask
in hopes that this too will pass

but how far down do we have to go before we know it
how long till the word will be completed
how many times will history repeat it
how long will it take

how long
how long
how long will it take
how long till the word will be completed
how many times will history repeat it
how long till the words fall to the pages
how many times till all we can say is save us...

fade

2006-07-13T07:44:00.000-05:00

a few nights ago, i had a dream of what felt like.. judgement day and rapture.

at first i saw everything from a bird's eye view -- hundreds of thousands of people gathered, streets empty, houses abandoned, and people were shivering in sacks and burlap rags and dirty and scared. some were hiding in subway stations, but most in the open, waiting, watching.

then there was this huge bus pulling up in front of me. and as the doors opened, i saw people from my past -- starting from those i've recently met at cornell this year -- my suitemates, classmates, friends, ... who all didn't know Jesus. the first girl who came out was the girl who shared my wall for the single -- she was holding a picture of her boyfriend, completely oblivious to what was going around her. i tried calling out to her, but it seemed like even when the presence of the Lord was so imminent... she held on to the things of this world. the next girl who stepped out was the girl who lived down the hall -- she too, was clutching on to photos of her family, her artwork...

i remember feeling so distraught as i realized that none of them truly knew Christ and His saving power. and... who's fault was that..? =/

it reminded me of a few months ago, when i dreamt about demons spiritually and physically attacking my freshman class at school.

i think i had another one last night too. but i don't remember it.

man... my dreams are definitely less frequent than in the past. but they're more real. and vivid. and scary. kind of makes me wonder what's to come...

best friends

2006-07-13T00:00:00.000-05:00

Hey Luke, it's me. I know I'm not supposed to be calling, but I am not doing really great right now, and - .. I was just wondering, if, do you remember in The Way We Were, how Katie and Hubbell broke up because his friends were joking and laughing, and the president had just died, and she yelled at them and he was mad and he was going out to Hollywood, and, I mean, which she hated, and he broke up with her and she was really upset. And she called him and asked him if he would come over and sit with her because he was her best friend and she needed her best friend, and he did. And they talked all night, and they went out to Hollywood, which was a disaster, but it was good at first. With the boat, and uh, putting the books away. I've seen this movie a lot, so if you don't remember the putting the books away scene, don't feel stupid or anything. I was just sitting here thinking about it, because I, um, I'm in my house, and I was just, uh ... -- Could - please come over. I - please. Really need to see you and talk to you, and please - come over. Please.... Come...

-- gilmore girls

yellow

2006-07-12T09:17:00.000-05:00

one of the perks of driving around so much, (i.e. usually at least 2 hours a day) is exhausting the 13 gigs of music on michelangelo... -- until this morning, when i found him out of batteries 'cause i left him playing all night in the car (again). oops.

and since i was so fond of this song that was playing on the radio for the 1093th time, i rummaged around my car for a cd until i found a bright blue one hiding under my stack from last winter. it was a vicky beeching's yesterday, today and forever, a cd i hadn't bought or seen (though i have a guess as to how i got it... it's better left as a delightful suprise).

listening to the first song, (yesterday, today and forever) reminded me of onething. and God's love. and how He loves us, not our ministries. as i was telling a brother late last night about how lately i've just been so exhausted from running from work to accountability to small group to hangouts with high school friends to meetings to more meetings to large groups and ... o_O

He loves us. not our ministries. urgh =/

i think i'm holding out for more nights at the beach and just being or walking around riverwalk at midnight or sitting in the outfield of a baseball field or on the curb outside of a caribou coffee and just . . .

there were more of those moments last summer.

if (summer.2006 == just ministry) {
System.out.println("you're missing the point.")
}

// reminders of His relentless love for us are more than just a plastic yellow bracelet.

dusk and summer

2006-07-10T14:19:00.000-05:00

dashboard confessional -- dusk and summer

something i read during lunch --

ps. 102
18 Let this be written for a future generation,
that a people not yet created may praise the LORD :
19 "The LORD looked down from his sanctuary on high,
from heaven he viewed the earth,
20 to hear the groans of the prisoners
and release those condemned to death."
21 So the name of the LORD will be declared in Zion
and his praise in Jerusalem
22 when the peoples and the kingdoms
assemble to worship the LORD.

i wonder what our generation will be known for. what kind of mark we'll leave.
hmm.....

hawaii, eh?

2006-07-05T14:05:00.000-05:00

waiting in the inbox this morning --

Team,

We'll be having the CUSat 4th of July BBQ today @ 5pm @ Adam's apartment. He's got a swimming pool and will be playing the 'Spider' episode in the mini-series From the Earth to the Moon (a good comedy/inspiration for most aerospace engineers).

am i a nerd for wanting to be there and watch the mini-series? ehehe...

i left my nalgene bottle and cell phone at home today. i wonder which one i miss more.

breakfast

2006-07-03T09:27:00.000-05:00

i've been having very weird, very vivid dreams, with very real people in them lately, starting last friday night for the past few nights...... i have no idea what they mean.

hmm.

i woke up this morning to the pattering of rain on my window and thought, i could go for some french toast this morning.

i think i'll make french toast.
sadly enough, it's been the most clear-cut decision i've made in the past week.

live & acoustic

2006-06-30T03:08:00.000-05:00

it means not rehearsed or scripted. not pre-recorded... just live and acoustic.

i'm exhausted. but tonight was worth it.

if you're supposed to have a personal relationship with God, don't organize it. - Spencer Chamberlain

stuck

2006-06-28T08:12:00.000-05:00

quietdrive -- the season

hon est y ( P ) Pronunciation Key (n-st)n. pl. hon es ties
The quality or condition of being honest; integrity.
Truthfulness; sincerity: in all honesty.

next time. i promise.

gah

2006-06-26T15:40:00.000-05:00

i feel like all we talk about lately is ministry ministry ministry.

i'm not saying it's not important. logistics and admin stuff and such.

but seriously. seriously. i'm going to punch someone if anyone starts talking about this and that problem, or why this or that won't work, or this and that.

and honestly. when someone like me starts to get sick of talking logistics. you know something's seriously out of whack.

where's the joy?

what if

2006-06-24T09:53:00.000-05:00

what if we were a ministry, a church, a fellowship that..
instead of being known as the church that gets into so-and-so drama...
instead of the yg whose leadership team is wholly messed up and performance driven...
instead of a worship time that's so cool with drums and electric and bass...
instead of being so engrossed into the next A or paycheck...
instead of knowing pop culture and sports cars better than knowing God's Word,

we were known as the church that prays. we were known as the ministry that, yeah, we're messed up.. broken, prone to wander, anger, frustrate... but God's got us. we were known as the church who might have all the instruments in the world, but that's not the point, it's who is worthy behind our worship that matters. that when people talk about our church, our yg, this ministry, they say... "wow, they're prayer warriors. wow, they're on fire for God. from the junior high, to the elders in the chinese ministry. they're a church who desperately seek God's presence in their lives."

this was something i kept thinking about as sam and i led the prayer time last night. and it was so good praying for and with the different classes we saw, and realizing how every age group really did have our own struggles and hardships that we're aching to escape from.

"what if we did this every week without prompts? what if people just say, hey let's go to the library on a thursday and check out books on poverty. what if we made this a month long thing and turn this into something of action?"

after the announcements, one of the kids on swavt approached me to talk about union station. we ended up talking for a really long time as he shared about misconceptions about evangelism and how if he could describe this yg with one word, it'd be sheltered.

and it's true. i was sheltered before college -- i still am to an awfully large extent. but i feel like this next week, this next month, is part of a process to rip those comforts off. and it'll be awkward, scary, frightening process where i'm sure a lot of us won't have any idea what God's doing.

but you know what? it'll be so deeply good. these are holy moments man. i'm excited =]

blustery

2006-06-22T10:10:00.000-05:00

ouch. the sting of rejection.

i could yell. rebuke. come up with a laundry list of reasons. but that'd do no good. i could scream until my face was blue about how stinking privileged we are and how we shaunt be complaining and how God does love all peoples of all nations.

sometimes i wish i could shake that into people.
God's shaking >> my shaking.

but it's okay. i'm okay... really :). something i thought about before the joint gcf/ccf event a few months ago, especially when i thought all the gcf-ers would be studying and wouldn't come out, was that you really do what you can. and the rest is up to God. it's that delightful mix of the active and passive that leaves me pushing yet submitting.

you asked me what was the worst that could happen. and i said for this summer to be over, and for us to feel like it was fun. cool. lots of hanging out. and leave it at that. i don't want that... i want this summer to be something that shakes our notions of normality and summer up. i want this summer to push and challenge and open eyes and hearts and minds. and to me, the worst that could happen is leaving the summer the same as we came in.

something i have a hard time trusting is that God will work through that. we may be planting seeds, or watering ones. a lot of people had to do a whole lot of splashing in my life for me to feel as burdened for things of justice as i do now. (as um... x, you could tell by my soapbox last night about compassion vs. justice :P) but it's okay. ultimately, God will redeem.

and i like the rain. so today's a good day :)

facedown.. this carpet tastes like coffee grounds ground into my face now...

game point

2006-06-20T15:23:00.000-05:00

"Oof."

"What?" He looked over at her as she looked in disdain at the email.

"Someone asked me to lead another bible study next weekend. I want to do it, but... I don't know when I have time for it." Her eyes skimmed the email on the blinking screen, mentally making a note of the time and date. "Do you have a pen?" He nodded and tossed the ballpoint he was twirling in his fingers to her. She caught it effortlessly, and wrote the time and date on the back of her left hand. "Well, I already kind of have the study planned for our trip to the soup kitchen, right? And I've done studies like this before during the school year... so I can just probably do it before work sometime this weekend. And..." She paused. "What?"

"... Nothing."

"It's not nothing. What?"

"It's just.. " He sighed, then walked over and took the pen back from her. "You're doing so much already. With work and your small group and all these different.. things that people keep asking you to do. Don't you get tired?"

"Jeez, I do get tired. But I hope that the people around me would encourage me when I do have stuff and not... yell.."

"I'm not yelling at you. Just..." He sighed and gave the pen back. "Just.. don't overexert yourself, okay?"

She twiddled the pen between her thumb and index finger. "Sometimes... sometimes I feel like it's all a game. I'm playing this game with God, with the people around me, with myself where I try so hard to serve and do this or that and I don't know what to --... I don't know. I'm so scared of losing that game, you know?"

".. do you think He'd let you?"

// inspired by an x.

rearrange

2006-06-20T00:25:00.000-05:00

let's rearrange,
i wish you were a stranger i could disengage.

//

my judgemental heart ~~says~~ screams that you don't know what you're talking about.

how do you know justice until you have seen injustice? i've been "studying" justice for the past two years. i've done thesis papers on what it means for poverty to be sin, i've taken writing seminars on what it means for socioeconomics and racial background to affect liberties, governments, tragedies. and i thought i knew what it meant. i thought i knew what justice was.

then i went to new york. and that "i know what i'm talking about"s flew out the third story window of a broken down apartment in the bronx... and deciminated to a ... what the heck am i doing at my job. at my major. in my life. why am i learning about how acceleration affects time paradoxes and not doing something more tangible with my faith?

my small group leader emailed me yesterday, forwarding me the email i'd first sent him about wanting to go to nycup. i'd be meaning to call him lately.

he's going to the city.
and for some reason, i feel like i should be doing that too.

"yes, the city's scary. yes, inner city social justice is a hard, hard issue. yes, it will be a leap of faith. but i'm tired of this 'maybe' crap. none of this, 'i might have to work that day.' take a day off. or 'i have to think about it.' honestly, how long does it take for you to think? it's either a flat out no, or a 'yes i'm scared.. but i know God will be faithful.'" -- m. (maybe you should tell the rest of the yg this too.)

sigh.
gaaaaah
*frustrated*

track seven

2006-06-14T19:25:00.000-05:00

the heart breaking makes a sound i never knew could be
so beautiful and loud, fury filled and we collide

what does the sound of a heart breaking sound like?

since i've gotten home from school, one of the hardest things to witness is just how much.. is broken back home. it's so hard not to fall into times of despair and just... God, where do we go from here? i feel like these past few days have been filled with one heart breaking conversation after another about how relationships with other people are broken and seem hopeless, or how the current state about my home church's youth group seems hopeless, or how things in this world are just not the way they're supposed to be, and...

... sometimes i don't know what else to do but listen.
when they feel that despair, that brokenness, that helplessness... i feel like my heart's breaking alongside their's.

and if my heart aches this much, how much moreso does our Dad's?

impossible loving

2006-06-12T23:00:00.000-05:00

http://threadless.com/product/483/Impossible_Love

are you the cactus, or the balloon?
// i think i'm more of a balloon. afraid of getting hurt.

the best part of work today? my desk is right near the coffee maker =]
// oh yeah, and the nice long lunch breaks. wanna have lunch?

so i finally started the holiness qt book that i've been meaning to start for a while.

Many people have found the words "let go and let God" helpful. Nevertheless, they raise a serious issue about holiness which Christians disagree. Some see holiness as a work of God to which the Christian makes no contribution. My part as a Christian is simply to relinquish control. His part is to work through me. My efforts to strive after holiness will be unavailing. In me -- that is, in my flesh -- dwells no good thing so that I have nothing of value to contribute. I therefore trust, that is, I rest in His goodness. I do not struggle to control my temper, but allow Christ to handle my angry feelings. I say with Paul, Not I, but Christ. It is as though, like a sea captain, I have been up to this point at the helm of my life, and now Another is going to take over. Even faith is seen as a passivity of the will -- a resting and a relaxing, not a seizing or appropriating.

it's that passive faith that we're all so used to. and it's not a bad thing -- it's a good thing. for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose (philip. 2:13). but there's also the verse before it -- continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling.

i think i'm realizing lately how i tend to go to one extreme or another -- i either fall into the whole, wow i can't do anything, so i'll just be passive about my faith and let God take care of the rest. or, i'll develop this supahwoman kind of mentality and try to tackle it all on my own.

Yet to Paul there seems to be no conflict between the first part of the sentence and the second. We are to work because God is working in us.

yeeeeah man... =]

black

2006-06-11T23:32:00.000-05:00

black and white.
black turned white.

a recording of a song my friend from school wrote on the way to church today reminded me of that. black turned white. there's this one line in the bridge that says, glory to the God who turns black to white. He does just that.

for the first time in a long time, i feel like these past 24 hours have been surrendered to God.

i hope you have a dream tonight that you remember in the morning.

i don't know

2006-06-10T19:20:00.000-05:00

sometimes i don't know why You would fight
take battle scars and waste Your angels on me
'cause when You ask me if I love You
in all i do, at best I say "i don't know.."